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All I Want For Christmas is the End of the ‘Struggling Black Woman’ Stereotype

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Photo: Olushola Bashorun
By Lenora Houseworth

The year of 2017 has been a doozy, no doubt. From the ever-exhausting, ridiculous excuse for a President, rampant sexual assault scandals, to the numerous crimes against humanity, Black women have been the silent bright spot in an otherwise dark socio-political landscape. 


Recently an article published on ABCNews.com asserted black women have a newfound “hope” after the news of Meghan Markle’s engagement to Prince Harry. Now I won’t go into here why that is an extremely flawed (Read: wack) argument, but I will say personally my only real takeaway from the article was that the struggling, desperate, unloveable black woman narrative is tired, overdone and quite frankly FALSE. 
Do we still get paid 64 cents to every dollar a white male gets? Yep.
Do we still hold less than 2% of senior leadership positions in major corporations? Yep.
Do we still have to work twice as hard as a double minority for the same recognition and success compared to our white counterparts? Yep.
Yet, and still we thrive.

This year more than ever before, proved the power, resilience and brilliance of black women in every area of society, and I loved watching every minute of it. Both in my inner circle and beyond, black women are creating, flourishing and fighting like only we know how despite all of the societal and institutional roadblocks, all while staying moisturized and melanated. 

To that, I have compiled a list showcasing that indeed #BlackGirlMagic is real and dispelling a few myths about the current condition of African-American women. 

Photo via daremebeautiful
1. For the first time in American history, Black women are the most educated group in the country according to the National Center for Education Statistics despite major wage gap inequalities. 




2. We continuously fight against injustice using our vote. With more than 95% voting against morally corrupt talking heads likes Donald Trump and Roy Moore, black women prove repeatedly we are a political force. 


Vi Lyles
3. Along with that, we are breaking political ceilings. From Charlotte North Carolina's first Black woman mayor, Vi Lyles, to New Jersey’s first Black Lieutenant mayor Sheila Oliver, black women are changing history.



4. Black women are the fastest-growing group of entrepreneurs adding an estimated 340,000 jobs to the U.S. economy since 2007 thus helping revive a struggling American economy.




5. We start movements that dispel the stigma of sexual violence. A decade before hashtags and celebrity support, Tarana Burke created the Me Too movement to tackle sexual predators head on.


Letoya Luckett & husband Tommicus Walker
6. Black woman are in love and getting married. According to census data, 75% of Black women are getting married before 35 with more than 80% of educated, established black men marrying black women. 




Founders of the Black Lives Matter movement- From left: Patrisse Cullors, Alicia Garza, Opal Tometi. | Ben Baker for Politico Magazine/Redux Pictures

7. Black women fight and protest relentlessly for human rights and the disenfranchised.

What moment in 2017 made you most proud of African-American women? Tell us below! 

Lenora Houseworth-Weston is a social media strategist and writer based in Jersey City, NJ by way of the Windy City. Her work has been seen in places such as Yahoo.com, Glaad.org and BlackEnterprise.com. Jay-Z lyrics and avocados are her life. Follow her adventures on Instagram @LenoraSheWrote!

Masturbation Misconceptions & Why You Should Try It At Least Once

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By Tiffy Kink

I didn’t really grow up in the most “Sex Positive” household. In fact, I remember the “The Sex Talk” being very brief. I was never formally introduced to masturbation. I imagined it would have been quite an awkward conversation to have with my parents in the first place. So when I discovered that masturbation was called “Masturbation,” I had no idea that I had already been doing it for years. Now that I think about it, I didn’t really have a word for what I was doing. All I knew was that it made me feel good.

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It wasn’t until I saw how others (specifically those in the black community) viewed masturbation that I began to feel a bit self-conscious about what I was doing. I felt guilty. As if I were committing a crime every time I rubbed one out. Then I came to an exciting realization: Almost everyone has masturbated at some point and time in their lives and those who look down upon the practice may have already had those thoughts installed into their minds from young. So let’s talk about some misconceptions about masturbation that you may have heard, and why you should ultimately try it at least once.

1.If you have to Masturbate, it’s because you can’t find someone to sleep with you.
Masturbation in most cases has nothing to do with others and is more so about pleasuring the self rather than another person. Let's face it, sex is everywhere. Finding someone to sleep with in this day and age is not a hard task. Masturbation is reserved for those who want to do it. Partner or no partner.

2.Your partner won’t be able to please you if you masturbate too much.
This is a load of BS. Masturbation is about discovering what makes you feel good, so you can communicate that to your partner. Of course it’s a given that the more you do it, the better you become at giving yourself an orgasm. It makes sense doesn’t it? I mean, how can you pleasure others if you don’t know what pleases you? Let’s also talk about the fact that not every woman has the ability to orgasm from sexual penetration, and a wide majority of women usually find their climax through different methods. The most popular being clitoral stimulation.

3.You are weird and pathetic if you own sex toys. 
Sex toys aren’t pathetic, they're pleasure enhancing tools. During my senior year in high school, I started to think about the day I would be able to purchase my first sex toy. I wasn’t vibrator crazy or anything. I was still a virgin who had made a conscious decision that losing my virginity in high school wasn’t the experience I wanted to have. I believed when the time was right, it would happen. Till then, I could get myself off.

4.You’re going to hell if you masturbate.
 How do I say this nicely without insulting someone? Oh wait, I can’t. The issue with these “Holier than thou” types is more complicated than you think. These individuals think for some strange reason they are entitled to issue judgment on those who deviate from the “norm” when it comes to sex and religion. I would like to additionally note that masturbation is not considered a deviant act and does not make you a “Freak.”

In short, masturbation is not “wrong” or “sinful.” We as Women of Color are severely underserved when it comes to the topic of sex. Masturbation is one of those things we keep on the hush hush and we have suffered tremendously from it. We are having less orgasms, many of us don’t know how to articulate ourselves in the bedroom and we feel guilt towards having desires that are not only normal, but a part of human nature.

Am I trying to convince you to masturbate every day? Of course not. I think any woman that has any negative feelings or views towards masturbation should sit down and have a conversation with themselves on why the idea of self-pleasure is so bothersome. Masturbation is not a guilty pleasure. Its pleasure, its self-love, it’s your time to be selfish because you deserve it.

Do you feel guilty about masturbation? 


About Tiffy
Tiffy kink is a New York based Sex Blogger whose goal is to spread sex positivity and break down barriers for the sexually deprived and repressed through her blog posts and sex toy reviews where she not only talks about her interactions with sex and masturbation, but she also introduces her readers to body-safe sex toys and advice.
If you like what you’ve read and would like to see more, visit her blog Aquakink.com
Follow her on Twitter @Theaquakink

Santa Don't Have Brown Elves: Normalizing Color For Kids Around The Holidays

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By Jashima Wadehra

My first experience of what I️ like to call “innocent, unintentional racism” was when I️ was 15 at my very first job. I️ lived in Arizona, and despite the excruciating heat and palm trees decorated with lights I️ was determined to invoke a little NYC Christmas spirit into my life. I️ decided my first job would be as an Elf on the Santa set at the mall. It was great, my boss let us work as much as we could, we snuck pretzels under the register, children screamed, vomited and snotted on me, and overworked and underpaid parents screamed at me but I️ loved it.

One day, during a busy Saturday evening, I️ stood in my red apron guiding the kids to Santa and placing them on his lap. As one child is up next, I️ hear him telling his mother that he knows that this is not the real Santa and that she’s lying. The mother, doe-eyed asked, “Well, honey why on earth do you think he’s not Santa,” and the sweet boy responds, “Because Santa don’t have brown elves!”

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I literally start laughing out loud, and had to contain myself given the other customers, but this poor woman was mortified and mouthing, “I’m so sorry.” I️ shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well I’ve never seen one either, we are a rare breed.”
It occurred to me that in every Hallmark movie and Christmas story I️ read in the last 20 years, I️ have never once seen a brown Santa, or brown or black elves. No color. While we make strides in integrating people of color into mainstream adolescent and adult media, we don’t nearly put enough emphasis on integration and influences for children.This little boy did not now any better. He did not think less of me, he had just never seen a brown elf! He probably never even saw a tan, white one either.

We always say that children don’t see color. The problem is they do when it comes to recognizing that no one looks like them in notable roles. When I was young shows like Barney and Cyberchase had fairly diverse casts, they encouraged the same things as religiously rooted pieces do, good manners, love, peace and giving. Even a show like Caillou featured a little boy with cancer, so if we integrate other life issues or help normalize certain occurrences, why don't we normalize color?

Given that holidays are religiously affiliated one could assume that if you don't practice said religion, you need not worry. I, however, believe these holidays are also a cultural statement and I intend on raising my kids with the knowledge that every role in life comes in color, naturally. If we teach our kids that all people are created equal and that there is no hierarchy then shouldn't we instill that in EVERY aspect of life? I was not offended by the lack of representation, but rather sad that there was such marginal change between my childhood exposure to color in media and this little boy’s several years later. My kids will celebrate Diwali, Christmas and anything else we see fit, but they’ll know people come in all shapes, sizes and colors. 


Do you find that kid's media is still lacking color representation?

Jashima Wadehra is a writer, dancer, entrepreneur, and lover of people based in NYC.  She can be found blogging at overpriced coffee shops or on a plane heading to a new place to write about.  Follow her on instagram at @TheChatterboxlifeEnthusiast and check out her new blog TheChatterBoxLifeEnthusiast.com

Lets Talk About Rape, Baby

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By Brittney M. Walker

He raped me.
Well, I was under the influence. Plus, I was being extremely flirtatious.
But he was sober. Older. Much older. Married. Has three nearly grown kids.
I took off my panties in the back seat of the car, though.
It was an invitation. An invitation.
He's a man. Why would he refuse it?
But I wasn't myself. I was high. Higher than I've ever been.
He drugged me.
I asked for it.
He took pictures of my vagina.
He said I told him to.
I performed oral sex on him.
He said I demanded it.
I trusted him.

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I meet up with a friend who has been experimenting with cannabis infusion recipes for dinner parties. As I am gearing up to launch my business, we discuss creating an immersive experience around cannabis cooking. So, we schedule a date to chat and test out product.

My friend is a chef and owner of a high end catering service. His clients are those bougie white people that talk about art and fashion around long rectangular tables while scandalously slathering themselves with gossip about the host on the other side of the room.

We meet up at his house, where he imparts the first recipe - espresso with cannabis infused coconut oil. There's some nutmeg and other fun ingredients in there too. But before receiving my first sample, I share a marvelous prologue about how this would be my first time consuming cannabis this way and that I was basically a baby to the whole herb thing, despite being from Los Angeles. I smoked my first blunt as I was edging out of my 20s. Take it easy, is what I told him. I don't want to be high all day.

As I drank the infused coffee concoction, he shared another sample of his work, an infused goat cheese stuffed date. I didn't like it. Too rich.

Our plan is to meet at his house, then carpool to our destination city, four hours away. This trip is an exploratory journey to discuss business, ideas etc, etc.

About an hour into the journey, I feel something. He told me at the beginning I had about that amount of time before it kicked in.

Almost immediately after noticing the cannabis had activated in my system, I become very anxious. I start panicking, but only in my head. My imagination runs wild and the internal dialogue is erratic. I even become severely sad and scared that I'd be high for the rest of my life.

The day goes on. Most of it I don't remember. I am scheduled to see a relative during the day when we reach the destination city, but somehow it grew dark and I am still with my friend.

I remember going to a restaurant where we have a few mimosas. We sit close to each other. I am giggly. He says we kissed. But I am not attracted to him.

I remember getting to the car, his. I sit down in the front passenger seat and then climb to the back. I don't know why. I tear off my panties. He joins me in the back.

I remember a few distinct things back there: His dick is out. I suck it. I stop suddenly.

The next I remember, we arrive to my relative's house. I don't know how in my insobriety I am able to remember how to find her address and direct him there.

I can remember feeling a sense of relief and joy to see family. We all sit in the kitchen and talk and eat his infused scallops. I speak loudly, like a drunkard.

I pass out on the couch, tired from the day. He leaves.

The next morning, I wake before the sun comes up. I don't feel high, but I feel I have a terrible hang over. I don't want to move, afraid the feeling will come back. But I have to pee.

I am dizzy, frustrated, unable to see clearly. I fall twice. Hit my head and pass out in the bathroom. I somehow wake up before anyone could find me there. I manage to get back to my couch palate before sunrise.

I feel miserable. I feel like I was accidentally resurrected from the dead. My revival wasn't done properly. Whoever performed the ritual skipped a line in the spell.

My friend is my ride home. I don't really want to go with him, but I don't really know why. On the way back we stop, stroll on a harbor, sit and chat. He pulls out his phone and asks me if I remember what happened the day before. He shows me pictures of my bare ass in the air between two seats over a car’s center consul; there is my naked, unshaven vagina, my squinty eyes and sloppy smile. Unable to give a proper reaction, my stomach quietly knots inside of me. I feel exposed, violated, confused, wondering how this happened, why it had, if we had sex, if I was pregnant, if he wore protection.

He laughs as he swipes through the pictures, his head in my lap like a lover. I am uncomfortable with all of this. I don't want him. I never did. But he's my ride home.

After getting back to my rented Brooklyn bedroom within an eyesore of a dilapidated brownstone owned by an older woman, I sit silently, listlessly staring at the ceiling, out the window, at the blank wall, trying to understand or forget everything. He says we didn't have sex, but I asked for "the dick."

He says I am lucky I was with someone I could trust. He says I was in good hands.

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I confront him months later.

He never apologizes for his actions, says that it was a consensual stream of sexual events. His language convinces me he knows his actions were indeed an amalgamated violation. He speaks as if premeditated, a lawyer coached his words. He says sorry I feel violated, but is firm he did nothing wrong. He says he wasn't exactly sober either, as his 6'4", nearly 300 pound self had consumed two mimosas that day.

I share this story, in a more crass, matter of fact way with my audience in my blog. My story is nearly void of feelings and reflections, as if to simply tell a story. The reactions from young women were particularly disturbing, as most only laughed at my recount of events, somehow ignoring the rape that occurred. I thought maybe it was the way the story was told. But men, the few that did respond, however, showed concern, asking if I was okay, using the word rape, despite me never mentioning the word.

I, in fact, strayed from the term because using it seemed to violate the experiences so many other people have had. The penetration, the violent nature of it, the lifelong trauma. Besides, I don't want to be yet another statistic, dirtied by something like rape.

While I had not been beaten or even forced physically to do anything, I realized that in my insobriety I was taken advantage of, easily coaxed into acts that I wouldn't normally perform, except with a lover, someone who I had primed, grown with in some capacity. He was a friend. Social. Someone with whom I'd be doing business. I never shared any words that alluded to attraction. I had even invited him to dinner with a boyfriend and me once.

It was a guy friend of mine who used the word via text. It stood out like a scarlet letter on my tiny iPhone 5s screen "RAPE." The other words he sent didn't exist. I think someone else had implied the idea once. But he wrote it out plainly. I was forced to sit with this reality.

I had been raped.

Do you believe that most women tend to blame the victim?

Brittney M. Walker is a journalist based out of New York. She writes on social justice issues within the Black community, travel, business, and a few other topics. These days she’s focusing on holistic living through experiences and storytelling via her blog, Unapologetically Brittney M. Walker.

Naturally Glam: Keeping Up With Innovative Hairstylist KeKe!

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KeKe
Naturally Glam- the reboot- is back and we're putting you in the spotlight! Up this week is certified hairstylist and instructor Ikea- aka- KeKe! Styling for over 17 years, this DC woman who spent most of her childhood in Georgia, knows a thing or two about expressing her creativity through innovative hair styles. Check out some of her most creative looks and find out why being natural is a lifestyle!

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How long have you been natural?
Everything about my lifestyle has been natural for as long as I can remember. My mom was the headwrap Queen everywhere we lived so you can get an idea of what type of household I was raised in. She taught me to be a forward thinking, self-loving naturalista through her actions; not just her words. I can attribute much about my personality and style to her powerful influence. She never put chemicals in my hair. She let me try getting it pressed out once when I was about 9, but she burned my forehead so bad, that I never asked her to do it again, lol. It wasn't till I was 16 years old that I attempted to give straight hair another try. I had already been renting a booth for 2 years, in a local salon, as a braider. In addition to braiding though, I also had a chance to learn from the master stylists working around me. With their help, I figured I could make this "perm" thing work- despite all the horror stories I had heard. Long story short, my hair was "technically" healthy for all of 1 year. The additional "perm" year I endured was spent trying to save my poor over-processed lifeless hair. So after my high-school graduation, I decided to ditch the creamy crack and go-BACK natural. Our hair is SO much stronger in its natural state. In my humble opinion, altered hair is often weaker and much more fragile.

Hair styles by KeKe
What do you do and why do you love it?
My entire career has been about promoting healthy resilient hair for all ethnicities. My clientele includes men, women and children from all demographics. My specialties are textured hair and braiding, but I provide all other types of styling as well. I love to create unorthodox styles using my own specialized techniques, mixed media and rare colors.

Do you have any favorite black-owned products?
As for black-owned products, growing up, I favored the usual classic brands like Creme of Nature, Dudley's, and Luster's pink oil moisturizer...but since completing Trichology training (Trichology is the study of the conditions and diseases of the human hair and scalp), I've realized that healthy hair is about more than just using products simply because they are made by people that look like you. Now to clarify, supporting black-owned businesses is nothing new to me. My mother raised me around positive figures with pro-black dispositions, so I've been hip to the power of the Black dollar for quite some time. With that being said though, the brand that I prefer to use on myself, all my family members, and that I recommend to all my clientele is Monat. They provide all natural, anti-aging haircare product systems that rectify a wide range of hair and scalp issues, such as the many forms of alopecia, Psoriasis, eczema, thinning, shedding, split ends, curl management, etc. The list goes on and on. It's just really good for natural black hair textures, as well as other textures, which is why I became a market partner within the company. My Trichology instructor once described beauty supply store products as "band-aids," able to calm the symptoms of the true problems. These days, I've focused my attention more on finding the "cures." Nothing at all against any entrepreneurs killing it in the beauty industry right now, but the unprecedented results I've seen from Monat speak for themselves. I like to recommend Talia Waajid and Design Essentials products as well :-)

What's the best part about what you do?
I am a hair restoration specialist and I absolutely love what I do! There is no greater feeling than to share a client's progress with them. I live for time-lapse "reveal" days and being bombarded with questions about hair health. Many stylists aren't receptive to questions, and don't share brand or up-keep knowledge with clients from what I hear. I try my hardest everyday to be the opposite of that. I'm an open-book with my clients and anyone who'd like help achieving their optimal hair goals. 


Has having natural hair contributed to you meeting your life goals? 
Having natural hair has definitely contributed to me meeting my life goals so far ;-). I'm a walking billboard. My quirky, game-changing hair styles that are floating around on social media were first tested on myself. I couldn't attempt even a portion of the styles I’ve done without having the resilience of natural hair. Also, I love the look on the faces of other women of color, when they see the eclectic styles and colors I mash together. Many (if not all) tell me, they never would've imagined my styles on dark-skinned women. I WANT TO CHANGE THAT!

What's been the best part of your natural hair journey and what hair advice do you give other women?
The best part of my hair journey has been the experience and expertise I've gained over the years, that I can share with other people.

The most rewarding thing to me, about styling is, the creative freedom. Ideas are constantly blooming in my head and I feel really lucky to have the open-minded type of clientele to unleash them on. I love creating trends.

The best hair advice I can give to women is: please take care of your mind and your body. Stress is the #1 hair killer outside of dehydration. It short circuits the hair follicles, essentially frying them from the root- aka- the quickest way to hair loss. As for your body, drink Alkaline water. Alkaline water neutralizes acidity and inflammation within the body. 90% of what's happening to your hair is because of imbalances WITHIN the body.

THANK YOU for giving me the opportunity to share my opinions!!!

Keep up with KeKe on her instagram @rebel_svage

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If you'd like to be featured in Naturally Glam- whether you live here or abroad- submit your photos to naturallyglam@curlynikki.com and answer these questions!

1) Where are you from and how long have you been natural?
2) Do you have any fav black-owned products that you use?
3) What do you do and why do you love it?
5) If you have a business, are in school, have a blog, products you sell, a job in a field you'd like to talk about, have initiatives and organizations you'd like to highlight, advice to give, or family that you are proud of and want to share, please do.
6) How has having natural hair contributed to your life? Your self-esteem?
7) What's been the best part of your natural hair journey or your hair journey in general?

Thank You, D.C.! #BeHerNowWorkshop

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Last night was amazing! Thank you D.C. for coming out (in the snow ❄️ ) to my first #BeHerNow Workshop. Thank you for being open to the experience. Thank you for speaking your truth. Thank you for allowing me to speak mine. The energy in the room was absolutely powerful and I hope you’re loving and living from that presence today. I love you all and can’t wait to do it again!

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More pics to come!

Thank you @photographybysimo for the 📸 and for your tireless work setting everything up! Invaluable.

Thanks @allisonfaxbeauty for the beat! You have a beautiful soul. Pics to come!!!!

And The Harlem Candle Company Winners Are...

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Hey Ladies,
It's Monday Win-day! We asked what you love about your work and you let us have it! So inspiring to see why you love what you do! Keep reading to find out if you're 1 of 4 winners of these cool "Holiday" and "Langston" candles from Harlem Candle Company!

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And the winners are!
Kerita   
What I LOVE about my work is that it surrounds my husband and children with love. Every day I am blessed with energy to pray, cook, clean, knit, bake, study and focus on creating a peaceful, loving home for my family. This homemaker gig is hands down the most fulfilling!

Yolanda England
What I love about my work is the chance it gives me to interact and help people. Working customer service, you really can take abuse here and there, but it does help shape you as a better person over time.

Angel Nicole Angelita 
Hi!
There are so many things I love about my work. I am a teaching artist in the Bay Area and I teach ages 3-13. What I love about teaching musical theatre is that I am seeing kids experience the art that has disappeared in so many schools due to budget cuts and also due to the fact that many people don’t take the arts seriously. I love the look my students get the first time they perform. This summer was my first time musical directing at the in the Bay area. We put on 4 shows within 8 weeks! I was super overwhelmed about it, because prior to this job, I had only done minor subbing, tutoring, and more retail than I’d like to admit to. However, as a musician, being able to be paid to do what I love for kids is such a rewarding and divine experience. I taught children this year that have never done musical theatre this year, some that have, and some that swore they hated it. By the end of the Summer, I saw some of the most shy kids come into their own and realize they had a voice. Even the ones that swore they didn’t like it, ended finding their voice as Techies! I love that my job constantly changes and that I get to watch these kids grow and discover new things. With musical theatre they are discovering themselves and let me tell you... to witness this is out of this world. Just when I think I’m being a solid teacher, THEY teach me more and show me how to be GREAT instead of good. ( I am also THE teacher that sneaks in a few lessons on Prince’s music. I can’t help it! The next generation needs to know lol) I was getting out of a very dark place before coming to the Bay this year so knowing I’m adding to the world and making it better everyday from the little I do is relieving and it feels like what beauty should feel like. Freeing.
I am also a musician and for the first time in a while, I’m not afraid to say it. Being a musician means you are always learning and you never get bored. I work my ass off and I’m proud of it 💪🏽💪🏽
Love and Be Wild!
Angel =]

Desiree Brandon 
I am an educator at a zoo, so my job is ALWAYS amazing! I love that I get to teach people about the environment, how we can affect real change for the earth and the animals upon it, and watching the curriculum I write become an amazing learning experience. I get to change minds about how we treat our planet. I love that my job allows me to be creative and gives me an insane amount of vacation time. But more than anything, my job is super unique in that when I am having an off day or a bad day, I can literally walk out to see our dolphins/elephants/walrus/whatever and I instantly feel much better!

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Please email nikki@curlynikki.com with your full name and address using Harlem Candle Winner in the subject line. Enjoy your candles and everyone else stay tuned for our next giveaway! 

Let's Talk About Rape, Some More.

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By Brittney M. Walker

I had been raped.

Why did men easily use that word? Why were they so quick to apologize about it? They didn't do it. But why were women so brash? Why did they seem so dispassionate? Why did many of them blame me for what had happened. "Be careful out there, it's best not to use drugs." Passive aggressive chastisement. I knew I was ingesting something that would reduce my inhibitions. I also knew I could trust him. 

Why didn't these women get angry with him instead of placing their Bible judgment on me? Why didn't they see him as the culprit, the predator, instead of seeing me as the irresponsible, straying lamb in need of an unpleasant reality check? "I hope you learned from this," is what some woman wrote in a message. Others implied it.

I didn't feel supported, not that I was looking for it. I felt that if I actually needed this community for help, I wouldn't get it. But the men were the ones to rise to the occasion, offer their shoulders, their condolences. Some close friends who happen to be mothers and in their 40s also offered their emotional shelter... and violence (lol). But generally, there was a sense of shame most women exuded.

An old friend who I've had very little contact with for years, read the post then contacted me. It was a little weird and so was the conversation. But something she wrote in our text exchange prompted me to learn a bit about rape culture. It's generally women that say things like, "She was asking for it with that mini skirt." It's women that often blame the female victims in rape cases.

How sad, I thought. There are movements around equal rights, around feminine power, around gender equality. But somewhere along the way, the piece about eradicating victim blaming got lost.

I can vividly remember when the women who claimed Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. I can relate to this now. I remember some of the reactions, even my own, about this.

"Why did they wait so long to say something?""Why didn't they report him to the police then?""They knew how to get ahead in that industry."

While I still have my own feelings about that Cosby situation, the comments about these women resonate on a new level for me. Many women don't take women seriously. Many women don't believe other women. I think we've grown cold toward one another. And we don't demand through our actions and conversations, that predators be held accountable for their violent behavior toward women.

During the 2017 presidential election, I remember asking a Black woman once why she is voting for Trump. "I don't trust a woman in the white house."

Hmm.

There's some disconnect among us. Along the way of progress, white feminism, Black Lives Matter, and religion, we're not growing in an area that could really catapult us into a space of healing and into a space of advancement as a group.

If we can't trust each other, support each other while we go through trauma, I think our growth will continue to be segmented into spaces that mostly look like female versions of the very system that oppresses women. We congratulate each other publicly for making boss moves in male dominated industries, for example. There is space and time for that.

But when it comes to areas of emotional sanctity or areas that notoriously deal with mental wellbeing, there's a firm stiff-arm at the ready among a large group of women. We say things like, "It's not that serious,""Serves her right,""She must have done something to provoke him."

I'm not saying women should side with anyone. But I am saying there is a level of accountability and support we need to have for the people involved. That doesn't mean chastisement or even a violent reaction (though sometimes it sounds like a good tactic). But we all need a little support, help, and healing.

Even for the man in my case, I don't plan to ‘take his ass out' or report him to the police. But I think there's something wrong with his outlook that he is unable to acknowledge his culpability. He needs help. His sons need coaching, taught what rape is and what it means to respect boundaries.
 
I need help. I need support. I need healing.

In matters of rape, physical, mental, and emotional violation (they're all wrapped up in the same trauma), I hope that there will be a greater outpouring of love and support for people who deal with this. I still think this area of violation is taboo. Most rape victims feel too much shame and intimidation to come out and say something. I read that most rapes go unreported for these reasons. Many women have been let down by their support systems and the justice system. They share what happened to them and nothing is done. Many times they're blamed.

I think we're evolved enough to begin to talk about and deal with rape differently. If we can talk about religion and politics around the dinner table, we can talk about rape. If we can still two step to R. Kelly at family BBQs (you know who you are), then we can talk about rape. If we can talk about the president’s toddler-like fits in foreign relation meetings, we can talk about rape. We need to talk about rape. As a matter of fact, someone you know has been raped. One in six women (https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem) have been sexually violated. Why should she have to deal with that on her own?

It's time for progress. Victim blaming is so last decade.

Do you blame the victim?

Brittney M. Walker is a journalist based out of New York. She writes on social justice issues within the Black community, travel, business, and a few other topics. These days she’s focusing on holistic living through experiences and storytelling via her blog, Unapologetically Brittney M. Walker.

Taking A Stand: 'The Good Place' Actor Reveals He's DACA

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Bambadjan Bamba 
By Mwabi Kaira

"The Sunday before the announcement, the President called a national day of prayer for the victims of Hurricane Harvey. So I posted on social media, “here’s one thing we can agree on.” Then a friend hit me up and said, ‘what are you agreeing with him for? He wants to cancel DACA!’ I thought, no way. Then sure enough, the following week they announced the cancellation. My heart sank. It was the same hopelessness that I felt before I got DACA. I looked at my daughter and I knew I had to do something."-Bambadjan Bamba

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For Bamba, who was brought to America as a child by his parents who were fleeing political persecution, and didn’t discover that he was undocumented until college when he was applying for financial aid, the American Dream is more than just a slogan. In America, he discovered the English language through his love of hip hop, African Americans and the way they have your back no questions asked, and the ultimate prize of becoming a Hollywood actor. Bamba has appeared in multiple TV shows and will play in the highly anticipated Black Panther film. In America, he also met his wife and welcomed a little girl. America is Bamba's home, and now it might be taken away if Congress can't pass a law.

Under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals policy, aka DACA, enacted in 2012, immigrants who entered the U.S. as children have been able to receive renewable two-year deferred action from deportation so that they can work or go to school. For a while it looked like the over 700,000 ‘Dreamers,’ as they are called, might actually have a pathway to citizenship. But with this current administration, it doesn’t seem likely. Every day 122 Dreamers lose their status; 11,000 dreamers have lost their status already. Democrats are fighting to save DACA by threatening to shut down the government on December 22nd, and there are multiple DACA replacement bills being introduced to Congress. If a bill passes before the March 5 deadline, qualified applicants will be able to remain in the US legally.

But nothing is certain, and Bamba couldn’t just sit around in limbo, waiting for something to happen.
“I was always embarrassed by my status and was hiding behind fear. Fear of getting deported, fear of career suicide, but after having my daughter I knew that I had to step out and face it head on. I never want to be separated from my family," says Bamba.
Bambadjan Bamba with his family in LA via Define American
So he teamed up with Define American, an organization that helps immigrants share their story, and went public about his DACA status. It's definitely a risky move, some have called him crazy. He hopes that his position as a Hollywood actor can help bring awareness to the issue, and put a face to DACA. He's also urging Hollywood to stand with him. He says,
“There are so many immigrants working in Hollywood behind the scenes and in front of the camera and we need them to stand with us. We need the studio heads to stand with us.”
Bamba being supported by 5th St. Studios Casting in LA
So far, support has been overwhelming from Bamba’s peers including actors Mark Ruffalo, Alyssa Milano and the creator of NBC’s ‘The Good Place,’ where Bamba is a recurring character. He's also shared his story with the LA Times, CNN, and NPR. 

Bamba on the set of 'The Good Place'
The media will have you thinking DACA is just a Mexican issue, but there are an estimated 3.7 million foreign-born black immigrants who aren't citizens, and many are facing deportation if a bill isn't passed. Call your representative. Take a picture and #standwithBamba #standwithdaca #defenddaca #dreamactnow and sign the petition here!

 Will you take a stand for DACA?

Mwabi Kaira is an African girl navigating her way in an American world.  She is of Zambian and Malawian heritage and moved to the USA in 1993.  Writing has been her passion since she could put a sentence together on the page. Mothering her sons is her pride and joy.  She has been an avid runner since 2013 and has run 10 half marathons and a full marathon.  Keep up with her athttp://africanbeautifulme.blogspot.com/

5 Things I Learned Early About Sexual Misconduct

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By Vince Lake

Amid what's taken place lately in the media with all these men in positions of power being accused of various forms of misconduct; it has made me reflect upon myself and place my own behavior under the microscope. As an adult, I can say I’ve never compromised myself with placing a woman in an uncomfortable position. With that said, I’m not perfect neither. The recent climate of male sexual misconduct that’s been brought to light is damaging. I sincerely have empathy for the victims, women/men. And I hope there's merit to their claims. On that note, I’d like to bare my truth with you.

Not all life lessons are taught by a teacher. Most of our valued lessons are learnt by experience. Whether it's from someone’s example or the most important one, your own. Self-taught lessons can come from mistakes in which we better ourselves to avoid future pitfalls. My first major self-taught lesson came when I was a sophomore/junior in high school. Running late for homeroom, I was racing down the hallway when I dropped my Aiwa Walkman. As I picked it up, I looked at my wristwatch, I had two minutes left before the bell rang. I saw my homeroom teacher, Ms. Aidoff (a short, twenty-four-year-old white woman with dirty blonde hair from the Midwest, her second year employed with the NYC public school system) dead ahead with her back turned towards me, standing outside the entrance of my homeroom door. The hallway was still crowded with students, so I was in the clear. As I approached the doorway to my homeroom, listening to a Dj S&S mixtape in my Walkman, I started dancing behind Ms. Aidoff’s back. My body wasn't touching Ms. Aidoff’s body, but I was doing the freak. The students in the hallway were egging me on, yelling... “Go-Go-Go-Go!” The hallway sounded like Chubb-Rock’s, “Treat’em Right” song being played. As soon as Ms. Aidoff caught on to what was taking place, she turned around. Before she completely turned, I immediately stopped dancing and acted as if I was just walking into the classroom. Everyone in the hallway was laughing, seconds later, the bell rung, and the hallway was cleared. After Ms. Aidoff completed roll call, she requested me to remain seated after the first bell. Once the bell rang, the whole class stared at me before running through the classroom doors. I tried to lose myself in the rush out, but Ms. Aidoff yelled my name so loud, I swore my mother at work must of heard it. I stopped dead in my tracks and went right back to my desk. After I sat down, Ms. Aidoff approached me.

“I saw what you did. You think I didn't see you?” I was coy and told her I didn't know what she was talking about, then asked her if I could go. She replied, “There’s a mirror above the teacher’s restroom door next door. I saw you. Do you have anything to say for yourself.” I looked at her with a blank face. “You're excused, go to class” she continued.

As I exited the class, I looked up to verify if there was a mirror by the teacher’s restroom. As sure as the sky is blue, there it was; a circular mirror attached to a metal arm holding it outward. I was busted!

My third period English class was with Ms. Aidoff. Everything was fine in her class, but after fifth period it was a different story. I was pulled out of class by school security and brought to the principal’s office. In route there, I saw a few cops in the hallway leading to the principal’s office. I was confused as to why I was called, but once there I knew why. When I walked into the office, Mr. Andrews, the principal, and Ms. Aidoff were seated in front of him on the other side of his desk. Mr. Andrews told me to close the door and have a seat. I was scared shitless sitting next to Ms. Aidoff. Mr. Andrews asked me to explain what took place earlier during homeroom. I replied 'nothing.' Ms. Aidoff turned her head so fast and looked at me with a Superman death stare. By my reply, I could feel the steam from Ms. Aidoff’s pale red face. Mr. Andrews corrected himself and questioned me again. “What took place before the homeroom bell rang?

“Now before you answer Mr. Lake, I need you to be clear and honest with me.” I quickly thought about the police I had seen earlier, then proceeded to spill my guts. I told Mr. Andrews I was playing around, dancing behind Ms. Aidoff’s back.

“I was having fun. I meant no harm and nothing by it. Everyone saw me. They thought it was funny. I didn't touch her at all Sir.”

Just then Mr. Andrews interjected, “See Ms. Aidoff, there was nothing behind it. Although Mr. Lake executed poor judgement on his account, it was an innocent mistake.”

After Mr. Andrews finished his statement, he looked at me with a stern look. I quickly looked at Ms. Aidoff and apologized. Ms. Aidoff thanked me for my apology and left the room. I was about to do the same, but Mr. Andrews told me to remain seated. Once his door was closed, he continued.

“Son, do you know how serious this could've gotten?" I shook my head from left to right. Mr. Andrews continued, “Ms. Aidoff said you sexually assaulted her. Do you know what that means?”

Again I shook my head no. Mr. Andrews explained that Ms. Aidoff claimed I conducted a sexual act/jester on her without her consent. At this point I was scared and thought I was going to jail. Mr. Andrews said he spoke with a few students and two faculty members who were present when the incident occurred, to verify her/my story and to get to the bottom of it. I apologized again to Mr. Andrews for my actions. Before leaving his office, he hit me with two days of detention.

From this incident I learned a few valuable lessons that I apply to my life to this day:

* Never place myself in a compromising position.

* When dealing with someone of authority, their word can over power mine.

* People's perception of things will not mirror my own.

* Always show respect for women.
* Watch who you’re fooling with (especially with white women).
*****
Are the men in your life reevaluating their past sexual conduct?
Renaissance man from The Bronx, NY, Vincent "VJ" Lake creative career started in fashion, and expand through fitness and the military. Vincent is also an entrepreneur with his own active-wear lifestyle apparel brand; "PURESPORT ATHLETIC aka PSA". Currently, he is finishing up his first non-fiction book of short stories titled,"I've Had My Share."  The book is scheduled for release in early 2018.

Do You Have A Dysfunctional Relationship With Your Hair?

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By Erickka Sy Savané

I'm sitting in a chair in the middle of the living room while my husband holds some electric clippers. The buzzing sound is deafening because they are as old as Methuselah.

“Do you really wanna do it?” he asks.

Man. The truth is, as sure as I was a few minutes ago that I wanted him to break out the clippers and do whatever he wants to my hair, now I'm not so sure. The fact that he’s never cut anyone’s hair a day in his life is starting to make me feel a little cuckoo because what are the chances that this will end well? Even he’s questioning whether he should do it. But at the same time, this hair has me oppressed like the police. It’s disrupting my whole life. If I can do this now I might actually break free. But can I let this hair go though?

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The first time I became conscious of my hair was when I was six years old and my grandmother called it nappy. It triggered a desire in me to make it perfect since silky straight like hers it would never be.

By fifth grade I wouldn’t go on the front porch to get the mail until every strand was in place. Even the three-block walk to school took an hour because I had to check it in every car door window.

By junior high school things started getting out of hand. IT occurred during a basketball game between my school and its arc-rival Robinson. It was fourth quarter, the score was tied, the bleachers were packed, and with just one minute left on the clock my team was bringing the ball down court. The point guard passed the ball to me, and bam, I caught it and called a timeout.

The coach was confused because this wasn’t part of the play, but since I was team captain he was willing to see what I had up my sleeve.

Without saying a word, I sprinted to the bathroom. Within seconds, I was standing in front of a mirror checking my profile, running my fingers through my relaxed hair. Aiight, let’s play! I ran back out and resumed the game.

When it was over, the only thing my coach would say was, “We lost the game, but your hair looked nice.” My brother disowned me he was so embarrassed.

By high school my hair obsession grew even more, and so did my reputation for being psychotic with it. One time, I was getting it cut by a stylist named Fez and all hell broke loose. “How short are you going to cut it? I told you I don’t want it too short,” I snapped.

“I’m cutting off these fried ends,” he snapped right back, continuously snipping.

Snip. Snip. Snip. Hair fell to the ground like casualties of war. This guy was cold-blooded. Was he going to scalp me? Worse yet, was he going to behead me? I wasn’t about to find out.

Up I jumped like Superwoman, ripping off the hair cape in a single bound, and off I ran. And ran and ran. I ran all the way home, which normally took two buses. “What the hell happened?!” asked my mother as I stood before her with half my hair. I explained that Fez was trying to kill me and vowed never to see another hairstylist again. The look, sometimes referred to as asymmetrical, became my signature all through high school and didn’t change until I became a professional model and was forced to do something about my hair. Now all my issues with hairstylists came crashing back to the surface.
I found that white stylists gave the best cuts and color, black stylists gave the best relaxers and styles, and Dominicans gave the best and cheapest wash and sets. The result left me schizophrenic because now I had a zillion people in my hair, and New York City stylists were not like the ones at home in Toledo. Naomi Campbell I was not so they had no time for my Diva attitude. One time a stylist told me to straight up get the hell out of his salon. He didn’t even want me to pay.

It wasn’t until I locked my hair that I was able to let it down, so to speak. Once my locks got going it was easy to maintain without a stylist so life got pretty tranquil for a change. Work was great and with the extra mind space I even got a chance to clean out some relationship baggage. Before long, I met the man who would become my husband and everything was grits and gravy. Until I cut my hair.

With the locs gone I was right back in that mirror 24/7 like I had never left. My husband was in disbelief. “Why are you always messing with your hair?” he’d ask as I twisted and re-twisted the same pieces over and over again. After it had been going on for some time he started suggesting I get a new hairstyle. “Hey, just cut it off like Grace Jones.”

Was he crazy? Grace Jones? I couldn’t imagine my hair that short, nor picked out. With my unresolved “good/bad hair” issues the look would leave me with what a friend once called "carpet-texture hair." What would Grandmother think?

When years passed and nothing changed- everyday found me getting worse and worse because now my joy was reduced to the three days a week that my twist-out looked good (not too greasy and not too dry)- my husband reached a boiling point. “Just cut it off already!!!”

But I couldn’t hear him.

Once I had my second child even I knew something had to change. Time and energy was limited so I decided on box braids. The freedom I felt from not having to do my hair was thrilling, but the downside was carrying an extra 100 lbs. of weight on my head. Sometimes I skipped going to the bathroom at night because I refused to lift it, and washing it gave me Whiplash it was so heavy.

When I decided to take them out I discovered that my edges had been destroyed worse than Hiroshima. Now what? Wigs and weaves were never my thing and besides that, I was tired of fighting, tired of giving everything to this hair. And what about me? My relationship? My kids? Everything was suffering. There had to be more to life than hair!


Back to my husband and these clippers. As I'm still deciding what to do a story my friend Nana once shared comes to mind about her experience growing up in Ghana where schoolgirls are required to cut their hair short ala Lupita N’yongo. It’s done as a way to make sure that girls focus on their schoolwork and not hair. Only foreigners are exempt. Since she was coming from America her aunt was able to get a note from the doctor saying that she 'might go crazy' if she were forced to cut her think, beautiful mane. Once she was given the pass, her aunt sat her down for a talk. She convinced her that it was just hair and it would grow back. She cut it and grow back it did. And though she questions the effectiveness of having girls cut off their hair, because they still spent many a night playing and heating up forks to straighten each other’s hair, she feels that cutting your hair off is something that every woman should do at least once because it’s completely liberating…

“Let’s do it!” I say to my husband, and the cutting begins.

1st haircut from the hubby
Funny enough, there’s a calm that comes over me that can’t be explained. When he’s done and takes me to the mirror I am in shock. It’s not perfect, but I love it. Ironically, it’s the same Grace Jones-esque cut he suggested I get some five years ago. Somehow I know that this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Finally, I feel free.

Do you have a dysfunctional relationship with your hair?
Erickka Sy Savané is a wife, mom, and managing editor of CurlyNikki.com. Based in Jersey, City, NJ, her work has appeared in Essence.com,Ebony.comMadamenoire.com and more. When she’s not writing...wait, she’s always writing! Follow her on Twitter and Instagram orErickkaSySavane.com

Tell Us What You Do For Fun To Win This MAD FREE Tee & Tote!

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MAD FREE
 Hey Ladies,

We know that you love to look hot, rep culture, and bask in your grownassness! For that reason, we've teamed up with Michaela angela Davis & MAD FREE to give you a "Grown Ass Woman" tee & "Curly" tote! 3 winners will receive both a tee & tote! And because grown ass women conduct themselves as such, MAD FREE invests $5 from every tee sold to Black Girls Rock! leadership conference. So check out their site! To win, all you have to do is tell us what you do for fun in the comment section! Good luck!

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Michaela angela Davis
 Michaela angela Davis is an Image Activist, writer, creative director & cultural commentator. She is the creator of MAD FREE, a service and platform for producing creative content, curating culture and connecting community. She’s been honored by the NAACP, UNCF, The City of NY, and others, for her work expanding the narrow and often inaccurate narratives of women of color in mainstream media. She was the only Executive Fashion, Beauty & Culture Editor at Essence, the first Fashion Director at Vibe and the last Editor-in-Chief at Honey magazines. She has written widely about gender, race, fashion, culture, beauty & identity.
Follow on IG& Facebook 

Tell us what you do for fun for a chance to win a "Grown Ass Woman" tee and "Curly" dope tote! 3 winners will be announced on Wednesday, December 26th! Happy Holidays! 

2 Years.

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Two years ago this morning (5:51 am), I sat with my best friend and watched as she took her last breath. It was intimate and painful and beautiful and scary— the best and worst moment of my life. I was filled with so many powerful emotions that all I could manage were tearful ‘thank yous’. We were so close. We still are.

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Not a day goes by that her name isn’t uttered. Her pictures are everywhere— I don’t want my 7-year-old daughter to forget her. My 10-month-old son never met her, but I like to think he knew her well. Right before she passed, she kept asking me about him, wondering how my baby boy was, wanting to see him. Only he wasn’t born yet. He wouldn’t even be conceived for months after she passed. So on days like today, when I’m writing through tears, or sharing memories with them through tears, sad that Max will never know his Great Grandma Maxine, I remember that we were so close that Grandma Maxine loved my Max before I ever met him.

Online Petitions Matter: Here's 5 Examples That Made A Difference

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Photo of Sharanda Jones via CNN
 By Nikki Igbo

If you’ve ever signed an online petition then you probably receive at least two invitations a week to sign another one to stop, combat, protest, prevent, derail, support, fund, defund, rescue, remove, rebuild, renew and/or cancel one thing or another. You’ve also most likely forwarded an online petition. You may have even created an online petition. Why? Because we’re living in the age of internet activism, you’re woke, and woke people in the age of internet activism have to do SOMETHING. In the midst of all of this digital signing, you’ve probably wondered if these online petitions actually make a difference. The answer is yes. In fact, here are five examples of countless online petitions that have made a significant impact and will inspire you to keep signing, forwarding and creating.

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Sharanda Jones 
*The single mom sentenced to life in prison for a first-time, non-violent offense. In 1999, Sharanda Jones became one of thousands of individuals who was sentenced to mandatory life in prison with no possibility of parole for a non-violent, first-time, drug-related offense under mandatory minimum sentencing laws. Jones’ daughter, Clenesha Garland, was just eight years old when her mother went to prison. Fifteen long years had already passed when Garland started an online petition to request clemency for her mother from President Barack Obama. Just under 280,000 people threw their support behind Jones and Garland and their request did not fall on deaf ears. Two years later, Jones was indeed granted clemency on December 17, 2015.

*The “boys-only” elementary school STEM night. A Floridian elementary school in Orlando said they planned a mother-son, boys-only STEM night because they wanted to create a boys’ activity to complement the successful father-daughter dance they’d held the previous year. As a woman who works in tech, Helena Zubkow was furious at the thought of any event having to do with science, technology, engineering or math excluding females—especially when those fields have historically excluded women in general. Her online petition drew just 775 signatures, but that was more than enough to get Audubon Park Elementary to change their tune and open the event to all students.

*The national massage chain that would not address its sexual assault problem. When Danielle Dick of Richmond, VA was the victim of sexual assault at Massage Envy, the horror she experienced was further amplified by Massage Envy’s tepid response and failure to properly address and prevent sexual assault from occurring on their premises. After enduring an equally frightening and demoralizing trial which did result in Dick’s attacker’s conviction, Dick learned that she was not alone in her Massage Envy experience. She launched an online petition in October to make sure the company put proper measures in place to prevent and correctly handle sexual assault at their locations. Garnering 62,000 signatures, the petition triggered the announcement this month that the massage chain would comprehensively and transparently work with Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) to fix the problem once and for all.

*The issue with media using the terms “child prostitute” and “child prostitution.” Words matter. Especially when it comes to child abuse and child rape. That’s exactly why the Human Rights Project for Girls (Rights4Girls) petitioned the Associated Press to cease using the phrases “child prostitute” and “child prostitution.” Because “prostitute” and “prostitution” suggest consent, Rights4Girls rightfully took umbrage with these terms being used to describe what was happening to children forced into sex slavery. More than 150,000 petition signers agreed. The Associated Press got the message loud and clear and announced they would cease using those terms.

*Girls around the world lack resources to complete secondary education. There are more than 60 million girls and young women who are either not given the opportunity to be educated or are forced to drop out of school early. Thus Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai started an online petition urging the Global Partnership for Education (GPE) to expand their funding effort for free, quality education for girls from 9 years to 12 years so that girls would be given an opportunity to complete both primary and secondary education. More than 1 million signatures later and the GPE expanded their funding accordingly.

As stated earlier, it is a good thing to keep signing, forwarding and creating these online petitions. They bring so much awareness to underreported or otherwise unreported issues happening within our communities. One such petition is for Cyntoia Brown, a teen sex trafficking victim who at the age of 16 admitted to killing Johnny Mitchell Allen---a 43-year-old man who solicited her for sex. She killed this would-be rapist out of fear for her own safety and was convicted to a life sentence in 2004 because of it. Brown is now 29 years old. According to a 2012 Supreme Court ruling, mandatory life sentencing without parole for juveniles is a violation of the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment. But because Brown would be eligible for parole at the age of 69, her life sentence stands. Her petition can be accessed and signed here.

Do you sign online petitions?
Nikki Igbo is an Atlanta-based freelance writer and political junkie. She holds a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Political Science from California State University at Fullerton and a Masters in Fine Arts of Writing at Savannah College of Art and Design. When not staring in disbelief at the antics unfolding on CSPAN, she enjoys philosophical arguments with her husband, 70's era music and any excuse to craft with glitter. Feel free to check out her freelance services at nikigbo.com and stalk her on twitter @nikigbo or Instagram at @nikigbo.

Do You Wanna Be This Sexually Independent? Brit Actress Michaela Coel Explains Why She Chose Yoga.

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Michaela Coel
By Victoria Uwumarogie via Madamenoire.com

If you follow writer and funny lady Michaela Coel for more than just her popular comedy Chewing Gum on Netflix, then you probably have already noticed that she’s in great shape. The newly-minted 30-year-old enjoys being active and decided to go vegan last year, so those choices (and great genes) are likely the reason for that. But a few months ago the beauty decided to tackle a new mode of fitness to better herself in ways that go much deeper than the physical or the emotional. She joked on Instagram late last week that she wanted to train her body to be so flexible that she wouldn’t require the services of a man — or as she put it, “you dutty trashbag mandem.”

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7 Lessons We Can Learn From Jenifer Lewis' Memoir: The Mother of Black Hollywood

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Jenifer Lewis
By Veronica Wells

When I heard that Jenifer Lewis was writing a memoir, I was immediately intrigued. Not only has she played everybody’s momma on the big and small screens, her persona just draws you in. Whether she’s sharing sage career advice, singing about how she doesn’t want anybody f*cking with her in these streets, or speaking candidly about her mental illness, Lewis’ energy is infectious. She’s engaging. She’s fascinating. You just want to lean in and hear what the hell she has to say. So I had to get my hands on that book. And not only has it exceeded my expectations in the areas of fun-ny, the memoir also includes several life lessons.

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Checking White folks
Lewis was doing laundry one day and put her basket in the elevator door while she was grabbing the last bit of her clothing. A White couple in the elevator took it upon themselves to kick the basket out of the door, spilling her newly washed clothes onto the floor. Thankfully, Lewis caught the door and proceeded to pick up each article of clothing one by one. When the couple protested, she went clean off, physically imposing herself on them to let them know she was not the one. It was everything! While this incident probably represented one of her manic episodes, still it was a lesson to me that there is nothing wrong with expressing yourself when people do something that shows a lack of human decency.


Not wasting your time sexually
Lewis has been very open and honest about her sex addiction, as a coping mechanism for her bipolar disorder. And while her lovers were many, she still had her standards. When one of her potential suitors dropped his pants and revealed equipment that didn’t measure up, instead of trying to appeal to his ego and waste her own time, Lewis sent him away. If a woman with a sex addiction was able to express her desires and wasn’t willing to settle, then we can do the same.


I am the biggest star in the world
Reading Lewis’ memoir there are more than a few instances when she was so close to getting a role before it was eventually given to someone else. Sometimes it’s clear that she was too loud or too big for a part. And other times it was circumstance, someone was a better fit. But there were other times when it seems like things were just unfair. Still, while there are moments when Lewis went without work, she didn’t doubt her talent or ability. She didn’t stop pushing. She didn’t stop declaring her greatness. I have to believe that her recognition and acknowledgment of her gifts is what helped so many of the other greats to recognize her star as well.


Inauguration
Who didn’t want to be in the spot when Barack Obama was inaugurated as 44th President of the United States? And while Lewis had a ticket, she was supposed to be in the back, where she would miss quite a bit of the action. But the day of the event, she arrived early and managed to finagle her way to the front. It was a real lesson in the power of determination mixed with a bit of luck.

Therapy
The theme of mental health and wellness run throughout the entire memoir. And what I most appreciate is the fact that Lewis never describes her journey toward healing as linear. After her initial acceptance of the fact that she needed professional help, there were more than a few setbacks. There was denial, missteps, prescription problems, self sabotage etc. Still, it’s abundantly clear that had Lewis not done the work to find the right therapist, been patient as she got the right prescription, and held herself accountable for her own actions, there’s no telling where she would be.


Feel the fear and do it anyway
In her therapy, Lewis learned about the importance of confronting those that have hurt you. And unlike those White people in the elevator, this was about confronting people who she trusted, people who she admired, people who were respected in her community. Her childhood pastor, who her mother revered, groped her and kissed her in his car one day as he was driving her home. When she told her mother about the incident, she didn’t believe her. After therapy, well into her adulthood, Lewis called the Pastor and confronted him, in power, about his actions. And it helped.


Writing a letter
Obviously confrontation is a theme here. And while it may seem redundant, I think it’s important for women to really reflect on this as we’re conditioned from birth to be appeasing and pleasant. But if anything, Lewis’ book teaches that not only is there a time and place for confrontation, there’s a right and a wrong way to do it. When her therapist suggests that Lewis writes a letter to her mother, whether she decides to give it to her or not, she does so. And then with a bit of trepidation, eventually decides to mail it. The letter called her mother out for a lot of dysfunction. And while she didn’t know how her mother was going to react, she learned that people are often more open than we think when it comes to hearing the truth about themselves.



In case you couldn’t tell, this is my glowing review of Lewis’ The Mother of Black Hollywood. It’s entertaining, thought-provoking, it will make you reflect on your own life. And it can certainly teach you a thing or three.

Have you read 'The Mother Of Black Hollywood?' Thoughts?
Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days” and the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.

When Are Kids Too Old For Santa?

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By Yolanda Darville

My fourth grader is a reading whiz, can tell you anything you’d ever want to know about ecosystems and biomes, and comprehends geometry and basic algebra. This smart kid is also a die-hard believer in Santa. It doesn’t matter to her that her classmates scoff at the fat guy from the North Pole. It doesn’t matter that every week an older child tells her “You know Santa’s not real, right?” It doesn’t matter to her that we don’t even have a chimney. My girl is all about Santa, his reindeer and Mrs. Claus! I am a strong believer in childhood magic and fantasy, but I’m beginning to wonder how long I should let her believe in Santa?

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I've noticed that as the years have gone by, my daughter’s belief in Santa has gotten stronger while her friends have begun to slowly lose faith in the jolly, fat guy. One by one, the mothers of her friends have been coming to me and sadly sharing that their children are no longer believers. So I keep waiting for the light bulb to go off in my daughter’s head and for her to reach the conclusion that Santa is just a fairytale. But instead I get statements from her like, “I guess Santa must have a magic key to our house since we don’t have a chimney!” or “Can you believe that Damion doesn’t believe in Santa? I hope Santa brings me Damion’s presents because I KNOW he’s real!”

You may wonder why I am so concerned about her Christmas fantasy. It’s because I have heard a few stories of kids who were staunch believers in St. Nick well into their pre-teen and teen years. I even have a few friends who have had to tell their 13 year olds that Santa doesn’t exist before they started high school and embarrassed themselves. Honestly, I don’t want to be the one to look into those hopeful big brown eyes and have to pop her childhood bubble. I really wish she would do me a favor and figure it out so that I don’t have to break the news to this true believer

My husband says that I have no one to blame but myself. For years, he’s publicly stated, “I bust my behind all year working hard and this imaginary fat white guy gets all the credit!” I would laugh at him, and tell him that he was just being a Scrooge. But evidently, I affirmed the Santa fantasy one too many times for our little girl because she continues to chatter about elves making toys and reindeer flying though the sky.

Although it makes me cringe to see that this otherwise intelligent, rationale child believes a story that is so obviously made up, another part of me loves the look of wonder she gets in her eyes every Christmas. In a world where every headline screams about murder, abuse, terrorism and war, it’s nice to see my little girl believe in such a sweet, magical story. Childhood is fleeting, and soon enough she’ll be all grown and ready to go off into the big, bad world on her own. Neither Santa nor I will be able to protect her from the cold, harsh realities of the adult world. So maybe it is alright for her to hold to her belief in Santa for just a little bit longer. Maybe I’m rushing her. Maybe it’s okay for her to continue to be a child. For now, I’ll just play along and wait patiently until she figures it out on her own.

From Madamenoire.com

Do your kids believe in Santa? How old is too old to still believe?
Yolanda Darville is a wife, mom and freelance writer focusing on issues that make a difference. To read more of her writings connect with her on Twitter at @YolandaDarville

Does Going To Bed Angry Ruin Your Relationship?

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By Erickka Sy Savané

Your husband turns his back on you and goes to sleep. In less than five minutes the room is engulfed by the steady sounds of his snoring while your mind is still fixated on the argument you just had. How can he sleep with so much hanging in the balance? He knows you’re not supposed to go to bed angry. It’s one of the first things you hear when you get married. But here you are playing with fire, having another brush with relationship death, even after ten years of marriage. Really? Why can’t you resolve your issues by bedtime like your best friend? Every time this happens you can’t help wondering if it’s a sign that your relationship is ultimately doomed. Perhaps it’s time you answer the question once and for all:

Will going to bed angry ruin your relationship?

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You think back to the first time it happened early on in your marriage. What you were arguing about you don’t recall, but you do remember cozying up to him in bed, his back turned to you, whispering softly in his ear, ‘You know you’re not supposed to go to bed angry.’ In an instant he turned around, eyes red as fire, and said, “I will not make up with you so that you can have a good night’s sleep!”

Ouch.

It was in direct contrast to your best friend, an adamant believer in never going to bed angry, who made it look easy. Perhaps it was through talking to her that you decided it would be something great to adopt. And though it never quite worked out on your end, you wonder if it still holds true for them some 10 years later.

“Noooooo. We don’t go to bed angry.”

“How is that even possible?” you ask incredulously.

“We don’t dwell. We say we’re sorry and move on. It’s very comforting.”

“But is it realistic? Do you sometimes say you’re sorry even if you don’t mean it so that you can just go to bed?”

“No. We get into resolve mode. It comes from the fact that we’d rather be happy, and we hate when we’re angry at each other.”

She says it’s something they both decided they wanted early on in the marriage. Now they’ve been doing it so long they’d never go back.

Comforting indeed. In those moments when an argument between you and your hubby can last up to two days, adopting this attitude would be like red velvet cake from Cake Man Raven.

Imagine, knowing that everything would be patched up by bedtime.

Determined to get a second and third opinion, you ask two women who work at your daughter’s pre-school. Do they go to bed angry?

Egyptian Woman: Most of the time we try to resolve things before we go to sleep because they say it’s not good for your health.

Haitian Woman: If you feel like it’s something you can solve then do. But sometimes you just have to go to bed.

Egyptian Woman: It’s like a circle. You’re arguing and not talking, but you have kids so you have to talk. So just let it go. There’s nothing worse than not talking.

Haitian Woman: Sometimes something happens right before bed and even if he wants to solve it, you’re not ready. Not everything can be figured out that fast.

Somehow knowing the Haitian woman goes to bed angry helps. But really, it’s time you talk to your husband. Is he at all concerned that consistently going to bed angry might land you guys in real hot water?

“I don’t like going to bed angry,” he says. “But if I’m angry, I’m angry and I don’t want to not be angry because of some saying.”

“But don’t you believe in it?”

“No. It’s one of those things you pull out when it works for you.”

Hmmm…you think about the times when you’ve been so mad at him that if he even thought about pulling out the don’t-go-to-bed-angry-card you might actually chop off his hands.

He also feels people take advantage of it. “Hey, I screwed your best friend.” Said at 11:59pm. He’s got a point.

Honestly, there will always be something that you like about the idea of never going to bed angry, but doing so won’t ruin your relationship. At the end of the day, you have to make your own rules because sayings are everywhere. ‘The family that prays together stays together’ or ‘Love is never having to say ‘I’m sorry.”’ I’m sorry, but there’s nothing like a good apology. So after ten years of marriage, you’re ready to let this one go. The next time you go to bed angry, you’re going to try your best to have a good night’s sleep.

This article appeared on Madamenoire.com

Do you go to be angry?

Erickka Sy Savané is managing editor of CurlyNikki.com, a wife and mom, based in Jersey, City. Her work has appeared in Essence.comEbony.comMadamenoire.com and more. When she’s not writing...wait, she’s always writing! Follow her on Twitter and Instagram orErickkaSySavane.com

Actress MaameYaa Boafo Is Naturally Glam!

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MaameYaa Boafo
You may have seen Ghanaian, Pakistani-born, Harlem-based actress MaameYaa Boafo in the hilarious and highly addictive 'An African City' webseries, in numerous TV commercials, or currently receiving rave reviews in the off-Broadway hit 'SCHOOL GIRLS; OR, THE AFRICAN MEAN GIRLS PLAY.' Find out how MaameYaa keeps her hair close-up ready, and the song that best describes her natural hair journey!

Photo: Ofoe Amegavie
How do you maintain your hair as an actress? 
I don’t do anything different to my hair based on my profession. Other than the fact that I wash and trim my own hair, I would say that I probably have the same hair regimen as other natural girls - i.e. twisting it before going to bed, wearing a silk or satin scarf as a wrap to protect breakage, doing a hot oil treatment, etc...

What products do you use on your hair? 
Mostly shea butter and Jamaican castor oil

Do you change your look depending on the role/audition? 
Regarding auditions, it depends on the role and the character description. Regarding productions, sometimes I’ve been asked to keep my hair as is or they will have a hair dresser to style us.

MaameYaa in 'School Girls; Or, The African Mean Girls Play'
What went into the hair choice for the play 'School Girls; Or, The African Mean Girls Play?' 
It's a story about boarding school girls in Ghana during the 80's. In Ghana, girls wear their hair natural and in a very short cut when they attend public schools, and the playwright Jocelyn Bioh wanted to stay very true to that- our wig maker Cookie Jordan made awesome short hair wigs for us.

As a young girl, did you wear your hair short and natural? 
No I did not, I had long hair that my mother permed because it was easier for her to manage when we were living in Europe. I went natural in my second year in graduate school; one day I just decided to cut it all off while washing my hair.


What's the best part about wearing your hair natural? 
That it’s all mine- that I don’t have to dread doing a perm touch up or worry about a track showing from a weave. Since becoming natural, I’ve discovered that I’m tender-headed so with the exception of big box braids once in a blue moon, I prefer to wear my hair as it is, or sometimes I’ll cornrow it and wear a natural looking wig. 

Has having natural hair contributed to your self-esteem in any way? 
I think India Arie said it best “I am not my hair” so when I first did the big chop, and saw how people negatively responded, I had to make the choice to stay confident with my decision.

Follow MaameYaa on instagram MaameYaaBoafo.com

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If you'd like to be featured in Naturally Glam- whether you live here or abroad- submit your photos to naturallyglam@curlynikki.com and answer these questions!

1) Where are you from and how long have you been natural?
2) What products do you use on your hair?
3) If you have a business, are in school, have a blog, products you sell, a job in a field you'd like to talk about, have initiatives and organizations you'd like to highlight, advice to give, or family that you are proud of and want to share, please do.
4) How has having natural hair contributed to your life? Your self-esteem?
5) What's been the best part of your natural hair journey or your hair journey in general?

Ever Regret A Tattoo? Mel B. Did Something About Hers In A Symbolic Move

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Mel B.
If you've ever professed your undying love for someone in the form of a permanent body tattoo, and had that relationship end, chances are you've considered whether or not to keep it. Here's what 'America's Got Talent' judge, and former Spice Girl, Mel B. did when she and ex-husband Stephen Belafonte broke up! Have you ever had to get rid of a tattoo?
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