Still Struggling To Lose Weight? Maybe It's Time To Get Honest.

I'm looking at a picture of a friend on Facebook, about to throw up my chips. This girl had her baby around the same time as me, yet she looks like she should be on the cover of Fitness magazine and me, well, that's another story. I've been working on this for four years!

Why is it taking me so long to lose this weight?

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First, I thought it was the cyst. That thing was huge, the size of a grapefruit the doctor said, but then I got it removed and nothing changed. If anything, I gained weight. Then there was the birth control. Surely, it was the hormones making me want to eat the world. But I stopped that and nothing changed. Again.

Honestly, I hate going there, but it’s my diet. Always has been. I love food. I wake up eating cake and go to bed with a bag of Cheetos. There’s nothing like hot bread and butter. When I’m going through a rough patch, I eat. When I’m happy, I eat. I eat. I eat. I eat. So in terms of really trying to lose this weight, I haven’t been trying that hard.

It’s interesting though, because I’ve been skinny before. I spent years as a model where being skinny is the prerequisite. I’ve gained and lost weight enough times to know what it takes. So why am I not doing it now?  

When I really think about it, like, really think about it, I like my life. For years I fought to be skinny because I felt it equaled success. And let’s be real, for most models, anorexia is a goal, as was the heroin-chic look. So when I was skinny, I did great. When I wasn’t I fell down hard, suffering from bulimia, low self-esteem, and all sorts. Now, I’m older, I’m a mom, and for the first time ever I’m doing something that I love, sitting in front of a computer contemplating what makes the world go round, and it has nothing to do with my weight or my looks. In fact, being this weight makes me work harder on my craft because I’m not expecting my looks to get me in the door and carry me the rest of the way. I’m more productive than I’ve ever been. Plus, I look at women like Oprah and Ava DuVernay and they aren’t skinny girls. Yet, they are the ones making serious strides. And I’m not saying that skinny is bad, I still love when I can fit something other than my mom jeans, which have gotten snug, by the way, but I’m not going to knock where I am because I’m not skinny.

Oprah is trying to lose weight, but I’m sure it has more to do with personal choice than feeling like a failure. Who knows, maybe gaining and losing weight every few years is how she keeps it interesting. As for me, I may pick up some brussel sprouts and broccoli because they are my favorite veges, and it's always a good idea to have more greens in your system, but right now I’m going to enjoy my Cheetos and get back to work. This conversation will be revisited once I'm really ready to make changes.