Instant Ways to Calm Yourself Down When You're Mad AF

October 5, 2017, 11:14 am

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Q: ‘Nikki, as a busy mom and business woman, when you’re on the go or frustrated and tired because of a crying baby/hubby working your nerves /dealing with deadlines /etc (lol) and your mind is racing on the externals around you and what’s coming up—how do you bring it all back to center yourself and manifest the life you want to live?’ –WB

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A: After years of practicing different centering techniques and then getting confused about what to do when problems came up (too many options), I decided that it was best to ride one pony and stick with it. Now, when shit gets real, which is everyday, I always, already know which practice to do to find my way back home. Home is my ‘center’. And the more I practice riding the same pony, the easier it gets and the more I come to trust it.  Right now, that pony is ‘thank you, thank you, thank you’. And when I repeat it silently, no matter what seeming problem is popping off, I can ride that pony right on home, and all is well. (and now Ginuwine will be looped in my head for the rest of the day)

But what works for me may not work for you. I’m going to give you my short list of the most effective ‘ponies’ and once you pick one, ride her and her alone. Also, make a note in your phone that says, ‘for when I’m mad af’. And type out what you’re supposed to do when you’re upset. It’s so helpful to be reminded in the moment. I made my ‘for when I’m mad af’ note instructions my homescreen on my phone so I can get to it quick, lol. I’ve got a lot of triggers!  The best thing about the 'thank you' pony is that I do it constantly (not just when i'm upset) which makes it easier to find my way home when the road gets rocky.

Remember, your only goal is to return 'home' in every moment.  To restore your inner world to calmness and peace.  The side effect is more abundant living in the 'outer' world.  There are tons of access points but here are a few that have worked for me:

1. Stay where your feet are –‘cause your feet can’t be in the past or the future, they can only ever be HERE, NOW. And when you’ve found your feet, thoughts cease and you realize you’re home. And home feels good. Stay there.

2. If you feel bad, something you’re thinking is WRONG. For instance, the thought may come, ‘I’m never going to feel better, this is hopeless’. This thought makes you feel bad not because it is true but because it is not true! Your higher self/the universe/life/GOD doesn’t agree with your assessment. Once you recognize that, you’re home. And home feels good. Stay there.

3. When something is working your nerves, STOP and ask yourself, ‘what do I want from this situation?’ This redirects your mind to a more positive train of thought. Abraham Hicks calls it pivoting. For instance, if Gene is getting on my nerves, I’ll stop listening to him for a second and ask myself, ‘what do I want from this situation?’ and the answer bubbles up on its own—‘peace’. And I instantly feel relief. And then I’m home. And home feels good. And I stay there.

4. When you become aware of an upsetting or concerning thought, realize that you’re only aware of it because you've already leveled on it, that’s why you can see it in the first place! It doesn’t come up so you can dwell on it and worry about it, it comes up so you can dismiss it on sight. Then stay in that recognition. It feels good. You’re home. Stay there.

Your other self,
Nik

P.s. keep sending me questions! It keeps me focused!

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DIY Hair Smoothies

October 6, 2017, 5:58 am

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by Mary Wolff

Smoothies are a great way to get a bunch of nutrients your body needs to stay healthy. When your hair needs a boost in more than one area, a DIY hair smoothie should do the trick! Just like your breakfast smoothie, there are a few masks you can try to make this multi-tasking mask a reality for your curls.

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Coco-cado Smoothie
This mask will provide moisture to your strands with the hydrating coconut milk while the avocado will supply strength with the fortifying fatty acids. The honey and olive oil will act as a moisturizer while also serving to seal strands to lock in the moisture.

• 1/2 of an Avocado
• 1 Cup Coconut Milk
• 1 Tablespoon Olive Oil
• 1 Tablespoon Honey

Blend all ingredients until smooth and consistent. Apply the mixture to wet hair. Put on a plastic shower cap for around 30 minutes. Rinse with warm water to reveal healthier hair!

Banging Banana Smoothie

This DIY hair smoothie is rich in vitamin B which helps rebuild keratin for stronger hair while also promoting circulation to encourage new growth. The banana and olive oil has moisturizing aspects to leave hair hydrated and soft.

• 1 Cup Plain Yogurt
• 1 Tablespoon Olive Oil
• 1/2 Banana

Combine all ingredients and blend until even. Apply to wet, clean hair and cover in a plastic shower cap. After 30 minutes, rinse out of hair.

The Grow Up

The grow up is like the glow up but for your hair! When you need a multi-use mask that will help with growth, this overnight mask is perfect. The coconut oil will moisturize and seal in moisture, while the lavender oil is known for scalp stimulation that increases circulation to encourage new growth.

• 1 Cup Coconut Oil
• 4-6 Drops Lavender Oil

Heat up your coconut oil to get it back to a liquid consistency. Add in the essential lavender oil and stir until blended. Apply to wet strands and put on a shower cap. This is an overnight mask, so go to bed! In the morning, rinse out and style as usual.  

Why The 'White Designers Appropriating African Fashion Debate' Is Old News

October 6, 2017, 6:45 am

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Stella McCartney 2017

By Mwabi Kaira

The internet exploded this week with news that fashion designer Stella McCartney’s Spring/Summer 2018 collection featured African prints.  Everyone took to hash tagging cultural appropriation and voiced their outrage all over social media that a designer could show white women wearing our designs.  I’m an African woman by way of Zambia and Malawi and my first thought was not outrage, it was confusion.  I wondered where these outraged folks had been because this is nothing new and has been seen on runways for decades.  And, as far as the models, girl, where have you been? What fashion week shows by non-black designers have you seen more than a few black models rip the runway?  I had to conclude that folks just haven’t been paying attention.  

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Jean-Paul Gautier 2005 Show

Yves Saint Laurent started the trend back in the late 70’s.  Jean- Paul Gautier’s 2005 collection was called Hommage à l'Afrique and was African inspired.  He used hunters' shields, African carvings, the patterns of Masai beading, and every rich, dark brown shade of baked mud and dust, and braided the models hair in African styles.  Ralph Lauren’s 2009 collection saw him drawing inspiration from North Africa. Hermes had an entire collection in 2009 as well. At London Fashion Week in 2013, Moschino showed an entire collection full of African print.  A few seasons ago I saw popular stores H&M and The Gap sell dresses in African print.  The examples go on and on.

Ralph Lauren's 2009 Collection

Hermes Collection 2009

This whole Stella McCartney debacle is old news to me because what has not been appropriated from Africa? I love fashion and Stella’s collection was mediocre at best. The looks were so uninspiring.  In recent years I have enjoyed seeing African print by designers of color all over the internet in magnificent designs.  You have to hide all your money if you visit Zuvaa.com and other websites that sell African print clothing.  You can go into boutiques in major cities and actually buy these designs.  Celebrities wear African print clothing on the red carpet.  It has become part of the culture and you are not looked at weird anymore for wearing print from the Motherland.  Maybe the outrage will make designers think twice about appropriating because of social media but let’s be serious, like everything else, they will just go on about their business and create their next collection.  So instead of us being outraged, our attention should go into supporting designers of color whose shows are barely heard about and buying from businesses of color who sell these designs.

Sindiso Khumalo 2016

Is this white designers appropriating African fashion debate old news? 

 

Mwabi Kaira is an African girl navigating her way in an American world.  She is of Zambian and Malawian heritage and moved to the USA in 1993.  Writing has been her passion since she could put a sentence together on the page. Mothering her sons is her pride and joy.  She has been an avid runner since 2013 and has run 10 half marathons and a full marathon.  Keep up with her athttp://africanbeautifulme.blogspot.com/

How Cardi B Helped Me Deal With My 9 to 5 Job

October 6, 2017, 8:51 am

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Rapper Cardi B

 By Erma BreAnn

Stripping is to Cardi B, what my nine to five is to me. 
Take a moment to reflect on that statement. - Moment over. - Now can we stop talking about Cardi B being a stripper as if stripping is such a taboo? We strip in our own lives. I’m stripping, we just call it a different name. My job title is Office Specialist. I don’t even know what it means most of the time. I guess I specialize in office work. Instead of dancing around a pole, I “dance” around an office. I wear what they want me to because a dress code is a dress code, naked sounds the same as business casual to my ears. You probably aren’t getting dollar bills thrown at you while you work but it’s dangling over your head, it’s called a paycheck.

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Let’s stop making the point Cardi B is a former stripper as if that is the sole reason she got to where she is right now. That stripping is how she topped the charts as the first Black Female Rapper to hit Number 1 on the Hot 100 without a feature since Lauryn Hill. I hope no one actually believes that is how it happened. It sure would make us feel better to believe Cardi B cheated her way into success somehow, whilst we’re still dreaming. Now that we’ve gotten over the shame of stripping, we can talk about why Cardi B’s story is inspiring?

Cardi B did something we are waiting for someone else to do: invest in oneself. That is right. That’s what she did. She used her money to invest in her first mix tape and the second, within six months. She studied the craft, networked and made moves. She didn't wait for someone to sign her or tell her that she was special. When you see value in yourself, by believing in yourself, you will make things happen for yourself.

When living paycheck to paycheck, it sounds easier for a stipper because we imagine they make more money and have more free time. So we call Cardi B a former stipper as though we can’t do what she’s done. It gives us an excuse, an out, to continue this cycle. But it’s not all about money because if you don’t learn to manage your money properly you will still find yourself stuck and living paycheck to paycheck with six figures.

If anything, we should admire how Cardi B didn’t get stuck.

I see it everyday how we complain and gripe about getting out of bed to go to the jobs we hate. I would wake up sick every morning because I didn’t want to go to work. It’s a mentality we can’t shake. Then we advise others to be stuck with us, and we get salty when someone frees themselves. I followed the cycle for years, and I never made real moves to achieving my dreams and goals. Too busy making other people’s fantasies come true.

So when I here “I don’t dance now, I make money moves, said I gotta dance I make money move,” I get excited to go to work or stay up late writing my little heart out, because I know I have a vision. I am here for Cardi B like the Beyhive is here for Beyonce. ‘Bodak Yellow’ is an anthem for all of us artist and dreamers who are still “stripping” at our nine to five jobs.

How do you deal with your 9-5?

Erma BreAnn is a queer writer and poet based in Chicago. She is the creator of the blog Basic, Bad, & Bitchie at ermabreann.com, focusing on her journey through life. Follow her on Instagram: instagram.com/ermabreann

If You Were Waiting for a Sign, This Is It. #WakeUp

October 6, 2017, 9:07 am

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day 4 hurr! (Dry flat twist-n-curl)

Think of your thought stream like your FB feed.

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There are posts (thoughts) that make you feel good, posts that make you feel bad and posts that don’t make you feel any type of way. In this analogy though, you as the user don’t have the ability to create posts. You aren’t the poster (the thinker), you aren't the scroller (the doer). All you ever 'do' is watch the feed (thought stream) and the never ending posts, placing your attention on the ones of interest. And after a while, the FB algorithm narrows your feed to serve up more posts like the ones you’ve been giving the most attention to, both the good and the bad. Your only power in this scenario is the ability to choose where you place your attention. And pretty soon, you’re locked into a feedback loop where your mood is being constantly reinforced by posts that make you feel even more that way- whether joyful or sad. You become your feed and it's reflected as your life. There's a third choice, tho.

While looking at the feed on your phone screen, you could turn your attention around 180 degrees and consciously place it on what’s aware of the feed. Bring your phone up a little closer to your face, until it’s about 2 inches from your nose.

Actually do this.  I'll wait.

Now, do you see your face AND your phone or just your phone? Try this now! When I bring my phone up to where other people see my face, I don’t see my face, I see only space. I also see my phone, a hand, a computer, my body, a chair, and the roof top view of D.C.—sky, clouds, flowers. That's my current view. What's yours?

this is always your view out... you don't see your face, ever! You just see your body and the surrounding environment.  YOU are the space that contains everything that's on display.  That's the way it's always been. You just forgot! 

You are not just that body/mind, you are this open space- you are the container for and the Source of the thoughts, your phone, these words, your body, your feelings, and everything that’s on display now (and every subsequent now). You never see your face, except for in reflective surfaces. Don't dismiss this.  (click here for more experiential enlightenment instructions)

Even though you now know who you are now beyond your feed, it continues to refresh constantly, the posts (thoughts) just affect you less. You give them less attention. And now you can live consciously from this space (it's peaceful there) and use thoughts the way they were intended—as a tool to create and see your best life! #ThankYouThankYouThankYou

Your other self,
Nik

p.s. this isn't a perfect analogy, nothing is.  But hopefully it gave you some insights.  It's important to note that in 'reality', all the posts (thoughts) are neutral-- meaning is given (based on past experiences) and then there are feels (good or bad). Also, the whole bit about not choosing posts (thoughts), that's actually the case in your lived experience!  Watch closely and see.  You have never been the thinker.  You never were the doer. You are what is aware of those activities. #paradox

p.p.s. If this experiential enlightenment article actually resonated and you want more on this perspective shift, check out Harding's Headless Way and his list of super easy 'experiments', especially the 'pointing here' one.  Absolutely changed my life 4 years ago-- it took me about 5 months to see my 'no face', and then it became super apparent!  It's especially easy to 'see' if you're sitting in a dimly lit room.  The first time I saw it, I was sitting up in my bed, re-reading the instructions for the millionth time and I had the phone close to my face (reading in the dark) and the shift happened instantly and I immediately felt lighter and fell out laughing.  It's super obvious, super ordinary, but super important.  Also check out my post that I wrote on it a year or so ago. Note that as this insight unfolds you come to see that you're also not that body/mind, lol.  You're also not seeing the space, you are the space.  If you want to approach this realization from another angle, check out Sri Ramana Maharshi's 'Be As You Are' and start a self inquiry practice.  Different road, same destination.  

How To Grow LONG Hair w/ Little-No Effort

October 9, 2017, 5:00 am

≫ Next: Let’s talk about this Winnie Harlow inspired vitiligo doll!

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By Zara

Hi Ladies,
I’m back with another video! Today, I’m sharing a few tips on growing long natural hair with little-no effort! I’m quite the lazy natural and over the years I’ve had to come up with ways to maximize length retention with little effort. This is also perfect for those naturals that don’t have a lot of free time.
I hope you enjoy it!
Best Wishes,
Zara

Let’s talk about this Winnie Harlow inspired vitiligo doll!

October 9, 2017, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Is It Possible To Get Out Of The #FriendZone?

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@kayke_k

By Winnie G.

Everyone has their way of contributing some good to the world. @kayke_k, a doll artisan, does this by painting eye-catching dolls that reflect the diversity we have. You can check our her work and see how amazing it is. Well, one of her creations has completely taken the internet by storm. She’s created a vitiligo Barbie like doll. You’ve probably seen it doing the rounds on the internet especially on Instagram and if you haven’t, now you know! The doll bears a striking resemblance to Winnie Harlow.

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Is It Possible To Get Out Of The #FriendZone?

October 9, 2017, 6:42 am

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Marc C. Nappy.co

By Erickka Sy Savané

“I've been friendzoned,” said my friend L.

“Oh, no, how did that happen?” I ask.

“When we first met I wasn't really ready for anything so I didn't step to her in time,” he explains. “Now she's all booed up with a new man.”

“That's too bad,” I say.

“But I could get out of it if I want to,” he says, confidently.

“How?”

“Patience,” he says. "First, you have to believe there's a chance, and then you have to be willing to be her friend despite the new man. Then when there's an opening, you pounce."

Hmmm...I want to be optimistic, but this is tricky. Past experience says once you've been friendzoned, that's it.

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Most women know within seconds of meeting a guy if he can get it. So I'm not sure that L. ever really had a chance. Women don't throw a good guy with potentially good D in the friendzone. And what if patience doesn't work? He sits around waiting for a time in the future when she and her man break up so he can wiggle his way in, just to realize that she wanted nothing but friendship all along.

But at the same time, I'm reminded of an earlier relationship...

He was a wealthy banker, and I was modeling. He wanted to date, I didn't really see him that way. Maybe it was the Michael Jackson Beat It jacket in his closet. I began dating someone else, and he acted fine. He even listened when my man and I were having problems. But all the while, he was wining and dining me and my girlfriends at fancy NYC restaurants. He turned up the heat when my boyfriend and I broke up. Eventually, my girls started asking me if I was crazy, and out of fear that one of them would snag him, I decided to give it a go.

It was wonderful. We toured Le Louvre museum in Paris, gained 10 pounds in Jamaica and listened to the most beautiful ocean waves outside of our bedroom window in the British Virgin Islands all in one year. Yet I was still not physically attracted to him. Sex was always a chore, and we eventually broke up. No amount of money or fun could pull him out of the friendzone. In the end, his patience won me, but did he ever really win?

In what could be perhaps the worst case of #friendzoneship ever recorded, is my friend who I recently discovered friendzoned her husband for the past 10 years. She said she realized less than six months into their marriage that he was not a lover, but her best friend. They talk, laugh and kee-kee like nobody's business, and she trust him with her life, yet he is in the #friendzone. Sometimes I think about the fact that he can't get none from his own wife, and I wonder if he's being patient? #nowinsituation

But then again, I can't act like there aren't any cases where the #friendzoneban was lifted. In fact, one of my besties married a man who had #multiplefriendzone bans going against him. To explain, he was that dude who would come to all the get-togethers by himself- no date. After a while, we all assumed something was wrong with him- nobody wants the guy nobody wants. Well, it just so happened that he was there for this friend when her mom died, giving her the most solid rock to stand on. From there, a deep friendship developed, and the next thing you know we were all at their wedding. And let her tell it, their sex life is the best, made even better by the closeness of their friendship.

Come to think about it, there’s even my own case where my husband was put into a temporary #friendshipholdingzone when we first met. By that I mean, I was always attracted to him, but I had to put that aside to see if there was a real friendship. I had grown weary of dating dudes who would come and go. So, I got to know him, he got to know me, and before long a friendship developed that brought us close. That friendship has sustained us through 10 years of marriage and I have no complaints in the bedroom or otherwise. It's kind of  backwards the way may of us view the friendzone. We blame it for killing a potential relationship when it's really the best shot we have for a relationship to actually work. Think about it, she's not putting on a show for you and since you've already been zoned the pressure is off of you too. You can actually be yourselves. We should start calling the friendzone the #inzone because that's where all the real moves are made. 

So in this case, L. is right. He just might make it out of the zone after all. 

 Have you ever gotten out of the friendzone? 

Erickka Sy Savané is managing editor of CurlyNikki.com, a wife, mom, and freelance writer based in Jersey, City, NJ. Her work has appeared in Essence.com, Ebony.com, Madamenoire.com, xoNecole.com, and more. When she’s not writing...wait, she’s always writing! Follow her on Twitter, Instagram or  

ErickkaSySavane.com

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How to Instantly Shift Your Mood to Allow in Your Biggest Desires

October 9, 2017, 9:06 am

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erry'body smiling!

There's a note in my iphone from 2013 titled 'How to Shift Right Quick' and the instructions read- 'short, quick breaths, breathe into chest and smile' (similar to what I shared, here).  It's a process that naturally developed out of my desire to instantly experience the good feels that were previously only available to me during lengthy meditation sessions.

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I found it to be highly dependable, efficient and up until recently, I thought it was unique and highly personal. Fast forward to last week-- I came across a meditation called 'inner smile' while reading Osho's 'The Orange Book'. It was absolutely amazing and confirming to read his words explaining a technique that I'd been doing for 4 years! I promise that if you sit with these feels 3 times a day for 10 minutes each, your whole world will change from the inside out. Straight miracles.

Step 1: Relaxing

Whenever you are sitting with nothing to do, relax your lower jaw and let your mouth open just slightly. Start breathing from the mouth, but not deeply. Just let the body breathe so it becomes more and more shallow. When you feel that the breath has become very shallow and your mouth is open and jaw relaxed, your whole body will feel very relaxed.

Step 2: Allow an inner smile

Now start feeling a smile begin to grow – not on your face (necessarily) but all over your being. it is an existential smile that spreads inside you, from your belly. It is a smile, not a laugh, so it is very soft and delicate – like a little rosebud opening in the belly, its fragrance spreading all over the body.

Once you have known what this smile is you can remain happy for 24 hours. And whenever you feel that you are missing that happiness, just close your eyes and catch hold of that smile again, and it will be there: it is always there.' (Osho: The Orange Book)

Could you feel the shift? Could you stay there?

Get Thicker Looking Natural Hair, Today!

October 10, 2017, 6:51 am

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Hola Chica!

I'm rocking my first twist-out (no rollers) since April '17! I created 20 chunky twists using Ouidad's Featherlight Styling Cream (gifted) and secured the roots with bobby pins.  I twisted the crown section going toward my face for volume and natural hangage. To get BIG, uniform, fluffy results I have to remember to do 3 things:

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1. Twist hair that's 80-90% dry.  As soon as I hop out of the shower, I tie up my clean, wet, detangled, naked hair using a t-shirt. This soaks up the excess moisture without roughing up the cuticle. It's important for the hair to be product-free at this point.  After about 15 minutes, I remove the t-shirt to find hair that's about 75% dry. I let it air dry a little more and only then do I begin the styling process.

2. Use product sparingly. I apply product to each small section just prior to two-strand twisting.  I use about a dime size amount for each twist.  Any more than that and the product could flake or weigh my hair down.  It's important for this step to be working with a product that goes on smooth (like a slippery leave-in or cream) versus rough (think drier and/or thicker butters), since you're working with barely damp hair.  You want it to add slip to your hair to make it easier to keep it detangled for the style. 

3. Release the twists while the hair is 95% damp.  Goes against everything you know and love, but it works!  If I release my twists just before they get the chance to dry 100%, I get fluffier results.  I just release them without further separating or fluffing as to not cause frizz. Then, after my hair is totally dry, I fluff, pick the roots and style.  When I allow my hair to fully dry in the twists, or worse, wait to release the twists on day 2, my twist-out is limp and sad. Doing it this way, there is barely any scalpiness to fluff away! 

Your other self,

Nik

p.s. I like the Featherlight Styling Cream!  It's humid here in D.C. and it definitely hasn't held up to the anti-humidity claim, but the light and effective hold + the shine + the slippery consistency means I'll probably be using it regularly this Fall and will more than likely repurchase.  

The Five Nominees You Oughta Know for the 2018 Rock n Roll Hall of Fame

October 10, 2017, 7:12 am

≫ Next: Prepare For A Career In Front Of The Camera With Media Personality Patrick Riley

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LL Cool J. & Nina Simone

By Nikki Igbo

Last Thursday, 19 nominees for induction into the 2018 class of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame were announced. While the list included such well-known musical acts such as Bon Jovi, Depeche Mode and Radiohead, here are the five acts of whom you definitely should be aware because of their ridiculously important contributions to music history and Black music history specifically. 

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If you’d like to make sure that one or all of these five artists are indeed inducted into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, you have until 11:59pm EST on December 5, 2017 to cast your vote. Using a Facebook account or your email, you can submit one ballot per day each day leading up to the deadline. The list of 2018 inductees will be announced in December with the induction ceremony being held in Cleveland on April 14, 2018. To place your vote, click here.

Prepare For A Career In Front Of The Camera With Media Personality Patrick Riley

October 10, 2017, 10:19 am

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 Patrick Riley: Photo by Frank Ishman

 By Sharee Silerio

With almost 30 years of experience in-front-of and behind-the-camera, Patrick Riley is a force in media and entertainment. As an independent personality, pop culture expert, producer and writer, his know-how has landed him clients such as BET, NBC and HBO; and opportunities to interview many power figures, specifically President Bill Clinton, Diana Ross, Beyoncé, Master P, Quincy Jones and more. Riley, who graduated from Atlanta’s Morehouse College with a degree in Broadcast Journalism, believes that the digital era has leveled the playing field for aspiring on-camera personalities, and that anyone can be anything they want to be if they put the work in.

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Using apps and platforms such as Instagram, YouTube, Snapchat and Facebook, everyone from the nanny, college kid, makeup artist, hairstylist, poet, actor or comedian can build an entertainment career on her own terms, in her own time, and being in front of the camera is a great way to do it.

If you dream of chatting with your favorite celebrities or creating video content that makes you stand out, keep reading for multi-media giant Patrick Riley’s tips!

Study the Best
I recommend that you study, not necessarily through college, if that is not your thing. However, study what is in the marketplace that looks like what you think you want to do. Then mimic it, until you can make it your own.

Connect With a Mentor
It’s necessary to have someone in the industry to help you prepare for your future, steer you where you want to go, and secure once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. For me, it was the National Association of Black Journalists. It could be anything from the Society of Professional Journalists, to Black Girls Rock.

Practice Makes Perfect 
Just do it. Not only will you have the opportunity to strengthen your muscle, because you will make mistakes, you will ask the wrong question, and you will have someone who even walks off from an interview because they didn’t like what you said. But you’ll also, over time, have the benefit of seeing yourself having improved. And because many of these things can live on social media, you'll also get the benefit of feedback. You'll be able to take a look at what people responded to, not just from who you were being as a talent, but from who you were interviewing and how you interacted with your interview subject.

Lead With Confidence
Sometimes we aren’t as sure about who we're going to talk to, where we're going to talk to them, or what the backdrop is going to be. I always recommend that my talent lead with confidence from the minute they walk in and interact with the handler, to the minute that they're placing that mic before the mouth of their subject.

Use Your Instincts & Do Your Research
I interviewed Janet Jackson once, and she wasn't in the mood. But my research and preparation had me know that her birthday was the next day. It was unrelated, and I didn't know that I would even use it. But because she wasn't in the mood, I said, ‘This must feel like an early birthday gift.’ The instinct of me having that intel, and knowing when to use it, would have Ms. Janet Jackson open up and be a dream interview.

Don’t Assume Anything
Assumptions usually come in the spur of the moment, and I don't think they work well. I'll just give this as an example. You read that someone is married. You're interviewing them now. They don't have a ring on. Are you going to assume that they're separated? You shouldn’t because the ring could be being, in the words of Angela Simmons, ‘resized.’

Don’t Bring up Anything They Told You Not to Bring Up
Always follow this piece of advice, but consider the exception to the rule. Sometimes the subject will open the door themselves. If they do, you now have another beat to consider if you want to go any further. But again, don't do it before they do.

Build The Career You Want Now
Use the tools you have to demonstrate what you do, what you can do and what you hope to do. Before you can get the dream job, establish your platform on YouTube, establish your platform on Snapchat. Build your audience and following through the realm because now we don't need permission to be any of this, but we do have to take the time to build it.

Patrick Riley on the set of Arise Entertainment 360 with singer Tamia and host Lola Ogunnaike

To keep up with multi-media journalist Patrick Riley and his career, follow him on Twitter or Instagram.

Do you dream of a life in front of the camera?

 

 Sharee Silerio is a St. Louis-based freelance writer, Film and TV writer-producer, and blogger. When she isn’t creating content for The Root or The St. Louis American, she enjoys watching drama/sci-fi/comedy movies and TV shows, writing faith and self-love posts for SincerelySharee.com, relaxing with a cup of chai tea, crafting chic DIY event décor, and traveling. Review her freelance portfolio at ShareeSilerio.com then connect with her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

100 Percent Of The Teens From This After School Program Go To College

October 11, 2017, 6:00 am

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New City Kids

By Erickka Sy Savané

Located on the front of a small building on a beat down corner in Jersey City reads a sign that says, ‘New City.’ Every time I pass it I make a mental note to inquire within, but like many things, that day never happens. Until…
My neighbor, a bright 8th grader who uses my computer to print out schoolwork, knocks on my door. “Can you help me write my resume?” she asks. Resume? What’s she applying for, President? Turns out, she has enough accomplishments to make me feel like I’ve wasted my life. Suffice to say, she got the job! A few weeks later, her mom invites me and my kids to a barbecue being held by her future employers. Whatdoyouknow? It’s in that building on that beat down corner.

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The place is bursting with urban teens my neighbor’s age and older who are right in the middle of a festive program. They’re talking about dating, peer pressure, and things that your five-year-old is too young to hear. I go outside to leave, but get stopped by the smell of chicken on the grill. Might as well have a seat. Or two.
Next thing I know, I find myself talking to a tall, skinny white guy named Gabe who is the development director of New City Kids, a leadership program for at-risk teens. Basically, teens in grades 9-12 become interns who teach and tutor kids in grades 1-8 in an after school program.
“There are lots of statistics about what happens when kids don’t have things to do afterschool,” says Gabe, “So there’s a real need for programs where they have a creative outlet and help with homework.”

They actually employed 70 teens last year, and will employ 78 this year, which is amazing when you think of it. Even more impressive is they’re investing in them academically by giving one-on-one assistance filling out college applications, tutoring for their SAT’s, and conducting college tours for sophomores and juniors over Spring Break.

The real humdinger is for seven years in a row, 100% of the teens they employ have gone on to college.

Clearly, they’re doing something right. I end up talking to 23-year-old college grad and now production manager Greg Nelson and he tells me that being at New City made him want more for his life. “It’s more than punching a clock in and out, it’s a place where people actually care.” He says that when it came to applying for college they made sure he never missed a deadline, which is more than he could say for his high school counselors. Though he adds it’s not their fault. “Counselors at school have 200 students a day so it’s hard to give that kind of attention. It’s a broken system.”

Broken perhaps, but if anything, New City Kids may have a healing energy. After all, it was founded by Pastors Trevor and Linda Rubingh of Michigan. I speak to 20-year-old Kean University student Ashley Field and she gets emotional talking about the life-changing effect that New City Kids has had on her life. “Before New City, I didn’t know what college was about. But alumni would come back and New City would celebrate them and I wanted to be a part of that community.”
It was a stark contrast to what she had lived at home, where for years an aunt who was on drugs raised her and her younger sister. If anything, New City was a light to guide her to something greater. “When you go home and you’re crying because you don’t understand how to fill out financial aid papers and no one understands, New City does. They become your family.”To say that she’s already giving back to the community is an understatement. Just recently, Ashley put on a charity hair show to benefit New City Kids, and production manager Greg says that he’s always there if they need him. It’s this type of passion that keeps New City Kids alive.

New City  Kids learn to sail

Do you have programs like this in your community?

Erickka Sy Savané is managing editor of CurlyNikki.com, a wife, mom, and freelance writer based in Jersey, City, NJ. Her work has appeared in Essence.com, Ebony.com, Madamenoire.com, xoNecole.com, and more. When she’s not writing...wait, she’s always writing! Follow her on Twitter, Instagram or  

ErickkaSySavane.com

The One Thing I Regret Not Doing In My Last Job

October 11, 2017, 8:00 am

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  Getty Images

By Tee Elle 

I had a habit of establishing myself as a crucial team-player on the job. It was usually unintentional, though. I liked finding ways to make standard processes easier because extra steps annoyed me and I liked working on different projects to break up the boredom that came with crunching monthly sales figures. But I also think an even deeper part had to do with the idea that I had something to prove. Black women are more than capable. We’re not catty and difficult on the job. We get ish done and we can run things better than the white male who earns an average of $21,001 more than we do per year. I wanted those coins. And the maximum annual bonus, too. But my work ethic told my colleagues and upper management a story that was completely different from the one I crafted. 

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My last job was pretty flexible. Management allowed us to occasionally telecommute, which meant it didn’t always make sense to use our accrued vacation days because I could log in once or twice during the day, answer emails and say I technically worked. I could save my accrued hours for later. Plus our team became highly visible because we could produce quality reports with minimal turnaround. Soon marketing and sales were reaching out with special requests and I’d filter them, either doing them myself or assigning them to someone else on my team.

We were extremely busy, which wasn’t really a problem because I bored easily and I was quick. The issue was I was tired because I didn’t factor in any real downtime.
 

I found myself listening to my coworker’s tales about their Caribbean cruises and international excursions. I went home and imbibed on their flavored rums and nibbled on their fine chocolates but I didn’t have any stories to share of my own, other than that time my friends and I drove across the border into Tijuana and a member of the bar staff forced gold tequila down my throat or the time my girls and I cruised from Los Angeles through the desert at 100+ miles per hour and had to exchange the rental car by the time we arrived in Vegas. Then I realized those stories weren’t recent.
 

What I had done was taken a “mental health day” here and there, which really wasn’t one because I still worked to avoid playing catch-up when I returned to the office. But I hadn’t taken a vacation in over four years! It made me wonder how in the world everyone else could take one twice per year.

I got my answer when I went out on short-term disability to recover from surgery. I returned home the next day and had settled in my bed to binge-watch the first season of the The Wire. My cell was on my nightstand. I heard the indicator for text messaging and assumed it was another friend or family member checking to see if I needed anything. I picked it up and read it.

“Where did you save the December report?”

For the first time I didn’t reply. In fact I didn’t answer a work-related text for the following eight weeks. I learned no one really cared about my well-being and for several years, I sent the message that I didn’t care about my well-being, either.

I neglected to set appropriate boundaries and allowed my work life to invade my personal space. I showed everyone I worked with that not only was I irreplaceable, but I was also always available even when I’m resting in discomfort after major surgery.

It’s rather difficult to change the narrative once you’ve already written the words. My peers still relied on the fact that I’d always be there, that I’d eventually relent and respond to every single request once I was mobile. I did not. None of it was worth the slight raise or the bonus or my sanity. I resigned less than a year from my return to work and I have yet to return to traditional employment.
 

I recently listened to an episode of the ‘My Taught You’ podcast where host and CurlBox founder Myleik Teele interviewed InStyle magazine’s fashion and beauty editor-at-large Kahlana Barfield-Brown about her rise to her current position. Kahlana shared her story of how she once filled in for an assistant and proved herself to be more efficient during the assistant’s absence. The assistant was soon fired and Kahlana landed the role.
 

“Never take a two-week vacation,” Kahlana advised. “You’re just giving someone an opportunity to take your job.”
 

The moral of her story was to take a day at the beginning or end of a long weekend, if you must, but never stay gone long enough to give someone else the opportunity to do your job better than you can.
 

But my morals are now a little bit different and should I ever return to corporate America, I’m applying them. I can do a stellar job and simultaneously take full advantage of my time off. If the person who assumes my job for a week can do it better, she can have it. We all need a break to regroup. I’m still going to take a real vacation.

Do you have a healthy work/life balance?

                

 

Tee Elle is an east-coast storyteller hoping for her big break west. Her words have been published on xoNecole and Clutch magazine, you can also follow her on Twitter and the blog. When she’s not writing or stalking social media, find her reading a great book, binge-watching reality TV, or pretending to be the next winner of Bravo’s Top Chef.

Fall In Love With Kirbi's Candy-Colored Do's!

October 11, 2017, 8:02 am

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Kirbi on Instagram

Looking to make a statement this fall? A look that celebrates the TWA not as a necessary stop on the way to length, but as the destination? Look no further than Kirbi's candy-colored do's that are so much fun they may inspire you to do the big chop all over again! #fallhairinspiration

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The Little Things

October 11, 2017, 8:27 am

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Life is made up of the little things, the little moments, seemingly mundane-- like waiting in line, scrolling through your feed, walking to the car, getting up from the couch, preparing a meal, or driving to the store.

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Moment in, moment out. That’s honestly like 99% of your lived experience and you’re on auto-pilot for much of it, until you have to slam on the breaks, or Bae suddenly gets down on one knee with little box in hand.

You’re literally sleep walking through life waiting on the ‘awesome’ stuff, avoiding the ‘terrible’ stuff, never, ever present to THIS STUFF here, now, which is your only point of power. So today, I want you to take back a little bit of your power. For the rest of the day, every time you go from sitting to standing, I want you to do it consciously. Become totally aware in that moment, like you’re watching a movie. In fact, watch that body like it’s not yours, but a character in a movie. Watch it stand, then consciously think and feel ‘thank you, thank you, thank you’, and then go about your business. Bringing just this much presence and appreciation into your life will have PROFOUND and swift effects. It's a small, 3 second addition to your day but it will yield big results.  ‘Take care of the present and the future will take care of itself’- Ramana Maharshi

Styling Tips for Short Naturally Curly Hair

October 12, 2017, 8:09 am

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Actress Amandla Stenberg via instagram

 By Mary Wolff

Styling your hair is key to looking and feeling your best every day. If you have short curly hair, you may be experiencing some roadblocks in your hair journey. Whether you recently big chopped, went short to make your routine easier, or just prefer rocking a short cut, there are a few things you should know to help you get your best look. Here are 5 styling tips for short naturally curly hair.

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1. Avoid Buildup

When the scalp produces natural oils called sebum, it is intended to travel down the hair shaft to keep strands moisturized and healthy. When you wash your hair, some of this is naturally stripped away and the process repeats itself. While many people think of this as their natural clock for when to wash, with short hair, you need to watch this even more closely. The hair shaft is naturally shorter so you require less of that sebum buildup. If you don’t stay consistent with your washing routine, you will end up with an oily buildup which can make styling harder. It all starts with the wash!

2. Dry the Right Way

Another concern for styling shorter curly hair is the matter of frizz. While this is an issue for almost every natural, short hair is especially prone to frizz. We all know frizz is created by heat and humidity, but it can also happen in the bathroom when you are drying hair. Make sure you are air drying or squeeze strands, but never rub! Rubbing your hair creates friction which raises the hair cuticle and leads to frizz.

3. Choose Products for Definition

When styling your short curls, you may need a little help with definition. Since curls that are cut short can sometimes curl upwards and lack definition, using a styling solution with curl defining properties can help you achieve a better style. A few examples for this purpose are EDEN BodyWorks Coconut Shea Curl Defining Crème, Dippity-Do Girls with Curls Curl Defining Cream, and DevaCurl Light Defining Gel.

4. Play with Heavy vs. Light

With heavy products you get intense moisture, but it can weigh down your hair. While a lot of curlies would want to avoid weighed down curls, sometimes this can work to the advantage of short hair. A little weight can help stretch the curl and give the appearance of a little more length. Don’t be afraid to play around with heavy products to see how they affect your curls.

5. Don’t Be Afraid of a Little Heat

Another issue with styling short hair is the need for a little volume. If your hair tends to dry more on the upward curl with flatter roots, using a blow dryer every now and then can help with this problem. Since blow dryers use heat to raise the root, it can give the appearance of more volume and help to relax that curl pattern just a little.

I Saved My Virginity For My Husband And Ended Up With Bad Sex

October 12, 2017, 8:30 am

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By J. RENEE XoNecole.com

I waited for this?
That was the thought that ran through my head as my then-husband climbed off of me, unaware of the disappointment that was building up inside. For almost 25 years, I had held on to my prized possession, dodging advances from guys who I knew only wanted to get in between my thighs in hopes of finding “the one” who not only loved it, but loved me too. While many people no longer believe in celibacy and abstinence, I was raised in a family that valued conservative morals and grew up in the church, which often preaches waiting until marriage for sex. I did not really date throughout high school because most boys I met focused on sex, which I wasn’t interested in. I wanted love.
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Shades Of Black: African Americans With African Names

October 12, 2017, 9:45 am

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Director Nzingha Sterwart at the 17th Annual Image Awards

By Erickka Sy Savané

 “For the longest time, when I would show up places people would expect to see an Asian woman, not a black man,” says my friend Sekou, one day in conversation. It's been argued for years that the ancient Japanese migrated from Africa, so why not? Now I'm thinking about African Americans with African names, and how their experience must differ from the rest of us. I do a Google search to read up on the topic and there's nada. Guess I gotta research it myself...

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SekouWrites

"Early on, I didn't know that my name was different," says Sekou. “At the private black school I went to in Boston, we sang the black national anthem, celebrated Kwanzaa and everyone had names like Nzingha and Kumba.” His world got turned upside down when he found himself at an all black middle school in Atlanta where teasing him was a favorite pastime.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Sekou
Say Who?!
It got so bad that he asked his teacher if she could start calling him by his middle name. The teacher told his mom and then it became a big deal, so the name change never happened, but it was ultimately good because things shifted again by high school. Now at an international school, Sekou recalls his name being a source of fascination. He found himself explaining that it means ‘scholarly’ or ‘fighter,’ depending on the translation, and he also got to talk about Ahmed Sekou Toure, the President of Guinea. For the first time in his life, he felt ‘name envy’ by other students. By college, he attended the historically black Morehouse, where there were Sekous around every corner, including a direct relative of Ahmed Sekou Toure! Looking back though, would he give his kid an African name? I ask him.

"Yes, because it's important to have a name that means something," he says. "It gives the person a level of gravitas." 

If an African name can imbue someone with a certain sense of gravitas, imagine if your name is actually Africa. Such is the case with Africa Angel Martin, who runs the kitchen at my daughter’s preschool, and has gravitas by the ton. “My father, who was a black panther, let me know from an early age that I’m a woman of culture, and I have an image to uphold no matter what my age,” says Africa, now in her early 40s. Like Sekou, she was also teased growing up. “I found that having the name Africa caused me to be rebellious, because I was always ready to come back at anyone who was trying to antagonize me.”

Ultimately, it did affect how she felt about the name, and even though she knew people were just being ignorant, she chose not to give an African name to her daughter. “To get teased like that so young can cause you to feel like a little mouse in a corner. I didn't want her to go through that.”

So today, how does she feel about the name? “Oh, I feel special. I feel unique. I know that I'm a Queen and the name carries a lot of power,” says Africa.

Next, I reach out to a woman I met a few years ago, "Love By The 10th Date" director Nzingha Stewart. Turns out, she didn’t grow up with the name, she chose it some 20 years ago after a trip to Senegal where she visited 'the point of no return’ in Goree Island.

“The tour guide explained that once you crossed this line you were property and couldn’t have your name anymore. If anybody called you by that name, their tongue would be cut out,” explains Nzingha. “The fact that they took away these people’s identity was so heart-wrenching to me that I changed my name to honor them.” She was eighteen.

“It means ‘from the water,’ and since I’m a water sign and from Jamaica, it felt right. Also, there’s the story of Queen Nzingha and how she fought the Portuguese and kept Angolans from getting taken as slaves. It’s awesome!”

And how did her family react? I'm curious to know.

"My mom’s side was much better with it, my dad’s side wouldn’t call me Nzingha for a very long time, my grandmother still doesn't, and my father calls me by a nickname. Friends learned to use Nzingha once I stopped responding to anything else," she says. "More than anything, I love that it gives me an opportunity to educate people about how systematic the programming of slavery was."

Ultimately, what I learned about African Americans with African names is that the saying is true, "behind every name there is a story."

Are you an African American with an African name?

Erickka Sy Savané is managing editor of CurlyNikki.com, a wife, mom, and freelance writer based in Jersey, City, NJ. Her work has appeared in Essence.com, Ebony.com, Madamenoire.com, xoNecole.com, and more. When she’s not writing...wait, she’s always writing! Follow her on Twitter, Instagram or  

ErickkaSySavane.com

The Secret to Powerful Prayer

October 12, 2017, 2:39 pm

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"You can’t ask the sun to shine because the sun is shining; but you can bring yourself into that sunshine. Once you bring yourself into that sunshine, you don’t have to ask for qualities of sun, whether it’s sun tan or whether it’s warmth. Automatically being embodied or included in that sunshine, all that the sun is acts upon and through our being. 

In the same way, then, to entertain a sense of separation from God is to deprive one’s self of all the blessing, benediction, activity, presence and power of God. To come consciously into the awareness, the actual feeling, realization, click of God’s presence is automatically to bring that presence and power into our experience. And so you see why you must rise above the sea of thought because thinking won’t make this so. You must rise above the sea of thought into an actual consciousness, an actual awareness, an actual feeling of God’s presence. Then all things are added.

In the Western world, it is considered right to pray or do mental work for things, conditions, circumstances, and, to me, that would be very much like sitting here (in this room) and praying for sun tan or sun warmth. And I would sit here forever and forever and forever, and I would not have them. Why? Because there is no such thing as the warmth of the sun or the sun tan separate and apart from the sun itself. So if I only will stop praying long enough for warmth and tan and get out in the sun, I’ll have the warmth and I’ll have the tan without asking for them. They’ll be there of their own accord.  --Joel Goldsmith

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I hope this analogy is as powerful for you as it was for me when I first read it! I came upon it years ago and have re-visited it at least once a week ever since (it’s another note in my iPhone, lol). If you make THE PRESENCE primary, like nothing else matters, you won’t have to pray and ask and plead… the stuff you think you want will show up effortlessly as a result of your conscious awareness of your SELF.  You won't even worry anymore, because as soon as you feel that inner peace (which is always present no matter the circumstances), you'll know that everything is straight!  Stay single-minded. You got this.

Your other self,
Nik